Almost end of January

So many things to do so little time... Though I'm grateful I could have some freelance work. Hopefully this month payment will be well and without problem. Although I keep my expectation in check.

Pol
E --+ / R ---

TNGC
E - / R +-

Comission
E -- / R ++

Children Book
E + / R -so far

bca bro
E - / R -unknown

office
E -+ / R -- so far

Might need to update my expectation at the beginning of February. Maybe after CNY.

Mangetsu

I passed N2 JLPT Exam and so happy with the news that it made my schedule crumble just because I was having too much time for being excited. I really thought there's a good chance I failed since I was really miserable at reading section. So many questions and there was no time for it. 

Never thought the listening part was actually my savior. I don't have much confidence in listening but this time I scored pretty well that it saved my passing grade. I guess it is important to not getting hungry during the exams.

E - / R +

The other great news is finally this particular person has returned. I don't know what's gonna happen next and what the world will offer to Him with all these situations. But I really really wish the best for him. 

Is this it...?

Heard news that the company condition is getting worse. I wonder if I shouldn't ask. Many were leaving. I thought everyone still keep working the project and we could still last at least until mid-year.

Is this how we will say goodbyes? Is this how it will be over?
I'm scared...


E + / R -

Comission Request

Yesterday I posted an announcement that I am open for commission on my twitter. My follower isn't big, but I'm grateful some of my friends are willing to RT it. To be honest I'm not expecting much so I'm pretty happy that today some people try to contact me for commission inquiries. I'm still not landed on any project but I hope I can handle everything well.

E - / R +

Money~

I've got my first freelance pay in this year. Not much but pretty helpful for me to survive the next month. It came earlier than what I was expected. I thought I need to send the invoice again next week. Really grateful for this.


E-/R+

First two weeks of 2019 ~

A little bit recap of what major thing I can remember at 2018 :

February

Passed N3 Exam. Took IELTS.

March

Passed IELTS

May-July

Applied Scholarship

July

Bangka Vacation with my family

also

I didn't pass the interview. Really really down but still determined to try once more.

August - September
Asian Games is my best moment of 2018
I felt really really happy when why were pretty succeed in managing this big event

November

Boss said he need to postponed our paycheck for 2 weeks. Okay, that was happened and usually everything will settled down.

December

Took N2 Exam

Our paycheck since October still not entering my bank account and boss dropped a bomb that the company situation is really bad... 

I decided to took 2 months of unpaid leave...

By the end of the year, around 3 months salary hasn't payed to me yet and I'm back to my freelance life. Temporary if everything gets better, or I need to quit/kicked out if shits get worse. So yeah, my current situation is pretty bad... (it seems always bad every time I post here, huh...) 2 weeks into 2019 I actually pretty depressed and got insomnia. Those 'worthless' ghost in my head started haunting me again. 

Luckily I feel better after visit my parents house. My parents said something that unknowingly by them made me feel supported and grateful. I actually had worried they didn't agree with my attempt for scholarship, but now I feel assured. 

My plan for 2019, I still aim for scholarship since it will be my last chance. Need to prepare better.

I hope I could survive this year. I hope I could get passed all these hopeless feelings and find a better opportunity for my life.

I also need to keep track of any major events to test my anxious habit. I'm pretty paranoid with the economy and political situation this year. I hope I'm gonna be wrong but I'm not able to even have a little optimism. Maybe by keeping track and notes of events and how it aligned/not aligned to my expectation could help me fix my anxious habit.

I had a Dream of a Beautiful Flower Field

Several days ago I had a dream something weird yet very beautiful. I saw a space with flower fields all over the place. In the dream I called them lavender field, although when I woke up I realized it wasn't lavender field. There are a lot of other flowers and bushes. Children were playing happily as the adults were doing their chores while watching over them. It was morning or perhaps noon. But the sky has beautiful colors, just like twilight colors but softer. The air and the wind felt nice.

To reach the place, I need to take a train that moves around inside a mountain or hill. It reminds me with the mining caves with a lot of tunnel, or ant tunnel but for humans and with trains. The train could even move vertically without much problem. We need to stop at certain place to get out from the train and then walk a bit to go there.

In the flower field I realized my brother was missing. So I went out through the cave tunnel to reach the mainland and search him. I want to show him the flower fields just before we went back to our home.

While I was searching for my brother in the mainland area, I saw other tourists from many regions. I even saw there's a building, perhaps a museum or other tourist attraction. The building had a mix of candi (Indonesian Hindu - Buddhist temple) and pyramid for its architectural looks. It had a Candi for entrance and Pyramid in the center of it. Interesting place, but I had no time to go there. A tourist asked if I can read a certain language. I don't understand that language so I say no and move away.

After some time I finally found my brother and met another couple who had a same destination with us. We're taking our belongings and went to the flower field as fast as we can before the sun sets. I was a bit nervous if we didn't get there in time and it will be too dark to see the scenery. But thank goodness it was still pretty bright when we arrived there. And I was really blissful.

I woke up not long after that, thinking what a beautiful dream it was. It's a rarity for my sleep. I even get up late on weekdays just for the sake of that dream. But now I think about it, I hope it's just a rare beautiful dream and not some kind of weird premonition.