I wonder if the act for asking 2 weeks vacation is actually my desperate moment for my own survival. If I didn't buy the ticket will I have any reasons to retain my sanity?
September is the deadline for our office game project. The lead programmer already made his point he didn't fucking care whatever we have to do but everything need to be done by the end of September. While the amount of works is still piling up. I will work at weekend too until September ends. I'll try my best to leave before 8pm because if I get back after 8pm my anxiety and emotion went rampage. I could cry at night when I was to stressed and after it starts it's hard to control to make it stop. It's also makes me felt horrible in the morning as if all the sleep didn't heal my tired eyes.
The thought of working on weekends always makes me feel sick and the thought of wanting to die makes me feel more guilty and unworthy. Even if I work with overtimes including Saturday and Sunday, I don't know if I could make it. And if I don't make it, or if I deliver bad quality work, they'll blame me anyway. And thinking about that makes me feel that death might be easier. (of course rationally I know it's not easier but I can't control it)
I feel fake everyday going to the office or when I'm with somebody else and try to be cheerful and high spirited. While I can't even control my tear glands when I'm by myself. I don't know what should I do to address my problems to others, they might not give a fuck anyway. I will be just like I'm trying to invent reasons for hindering the project and makes everybody unhappy. I hate it if they'll think I'm weak and unworthy for feeling this tormented because of work. It feels like everybody will say "you feel like that just because of work? How will you be success or even survive with that kind of attitude? Look at others who work harder than you!" and I don't even know if I work hard enough or just being lazy or maybe nothing will ever be enough...
The only thing that gives me hope and makes me want to survive is just everything about my planned vacation to Japan. Otherwise, I just wish somebody to kill me already.
Now let's just get some sleep. I still need to go to office tomorrow...
