Is this it...?

Heard news that the company condition is getting worse. I wonder if I shouldn't ask. Many were leaving. I thought everyone still keep working the project and we could still last at least until mid-year.

Is this how we will say goodbyes? Is this how it will be over?
I'm scared...


E + / R -

Comission Request

Yesterday I posted an announcement that I am open for commission on my twitter. My follower isn't big, but I'm grateful some of my friends are willing to RT it. To be honest I'm not expecting much so I'm pretty happy that today some people try to contact me for commission inquiries. I'm still not landed on any project but I hope I can handle everything well.

E - / R +

Money~

I've got my first freelance pay in this year. Not much but pretty helpful for me to survive the next month. It came earlier than what I was expected. I thought I need to send the invoice again next week. Really grateful for this.


E-/R+

First two weeks of 2019 ~

A little bit recap of what major thing I can remember at 2018 :

February

Passed N3 Exam. Took IELTS.

March

Passed IELTS

May-July

Applied Scholarship

July

Bangka Vacation with my family

also

I didn't pass the interview. Really really down but still determined to try once more.

August - September
Asian Games is my best moment of 2018
I felt really really happy when why were pretty succeed in managing this big event

November

Boss said he need to postponed our paycheck for 2 weeks. Okay, that was happened and usually everything will settled down.

December

Took N2 Exam

Our paycheck since October still not entering my bank account and boss dropped a bomb that the company situation is really bad... 

I decided to took 2 months of unpaid leave...

By the end of the year, around 3 months salary hasn't payed to me yet and I'm back to my freelance life. Temporary if everything gets better, or I need to quit/kicked out if shits get worse. So yeah, my current situation is pretty bad... (it seems always bad every time I post here, huh...) 2 weeks into 2019 I actually pretty depressed and got insomnia. Those 'worthless' ghost in my head started haunting me again. 

Luckily I feel better after visit my parents house. My parents said something that unknowingly by them made me feel supported and grateful. I actually had worried they didn't agree with my attempt for scholarship, but now I feel assured. 

My plan for 2019, I still aim for scholarship since it will be my last chance. Need to prepare better.

I hope I could survive this year. I hope I could get passed all these hopeless feelings and find a better opportunity for my life.

I also need to keep track of any major events to test my anxious habit. I'm pretty paranoid with the economy and political situation this year. I hope I'm gonna be wrong but I'm not able to even have a little optimism. Maybe by keeping track and notes of events and how it aligned/not aligned to my expectation could help me fix my anxious habit.