I've bought it

I spend Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday drowned in anxiety. It concern me since I feel uncomfortable around chest and stomach area. I find my body responding as if I was in fear. But I can't find right reason or trigger for these fear. I feel fear but for nothing and I'm confused.

Any disturbance like sudden workload with tight deadlines made it worse. I almost get panic attack when suddenly my boss ask me to make fan and brochure, and  design for next week event. My work pace is in mess. They also ask me to buy some plastics for the event.

I feel worse and can't stand it anymore. I feel like I'm gonna die and have nothing more to look up in my life. I also contacted to make appointment to psychologist but they didn't reply yet so far.

In desperation I finally ask my bosses that I want 9 days off next April. I didn't even expect they will give it to me. They might be a bit annoyed by my request but I don't care anymore. What I want when I ask them is actually just the confirmation, whether I can have it or not. Yes or No, that's all I want.

In my surprise, they give in and allow me to have that 9 days off. I actually didn't prepare for that. But somehow I feel a bit better, now I have reason for not thinking about dying. I can't think about dying when going there now felt attainable while I don't have to worry if I need to get out from my office or not if I want to go there. My anxiety reduced a lot, replaced by another kind of anxiety but at least now I can feel hope. Something that a bit out of reach lately.

I told my brother about their approval and we buy the ticket today as if we buy it on impulse. Didn't even tell our parents yet about this. I really hope I can prepare this vacation as best as I can and everything will went well.

Now what's left that can make me panic next week is whether my boss happy with the printing for brochure (the result a bit too dark from what I had hoped), the fan printing progress (the most nerve wracking of all), and my overall workload.

I already download the newest Ace Attorney, I hope I can play it wisely.

Slow Motion

Saturday, My brother and I tried an American Style Brunch Restaurant at Kemang and we ate lots of Bacon. After that we went to business and franchise exhibition since my uncle suggest me to do so. Perhaps 50-60% of the exhibitor are in food industry. The Laundry sector is up for coin laundry style. I kinda interested with courier franchise business since it's not too expensive compared to others, but I don't have a place for the business.

There's also Kompas Travel fair so we went there too. Cheap ticket to Japan is really a big temptation for me. My brother's friends seems interested to go to Japan and my brother will go with them as well if they're decided to go. I feel devastated inside, but I know I can't go with him if I want my two weeks planned trip. If I go next year, I can't go there again the year after that since Mom will be against it and I will also have less budget for my plan. I just wish they won't go in Sakura seasons or Red Autumn or I will be died by jealousy...

Sunday, I feel time run so fast while here I am in slow motion. I was planning to make this day for learning. But then I woke up late, find myself unmotivated at everything except eating. I feel more and more losing control of my food intake. I try to play games but I find myself feeling guilty while playing. Should I permit myself for not doing anything? Should I force myself to work harder even when I feel nauseous when thinking about it? People around me work so hard for their life and passion. I wonder if I just using burnout as pretext for slacking off and doing nothing.