Just another day with anxieties

My Ipoh came and all she talk is about political gossips.

Today didn't went well. My plan to join the rally is a bit blundered. I should just buy some cheese tart like my brother had suggesting. I also make unfunny jokes to my friend. Political facebook posts also makes my mood worse. Maybe I should really stay away from facebooking too much.

My anxieties is bursting again and I'm questioning my self worth and existence like usual.

Good things that happened, my weight is going down a bit. My dad also  bought me some of my favorite herbal drinks. I also walk around for one hours, I need some exercises.

Big Bullshit

Big bullshit I learned last week : kampanye damai

Big bullshit I learned this week : rasa keadilan masyarakat

Super Moon

I try so hard not to think about how I don't like to be lectured by someone who was behind me before. I can't help to feel worthless. I write this blog so I can just dump my darkest feelings and move on with my work. It's not like I hate him or hate his progress. I hate myself for being stagnant and still don't understand which way of thinking that was wrong in my head.

I don't know how to know where the balance of pushing myself too hard or being lazy. These scary feelings every time I work makes me just want to find something else for distraction. I thought I'll be better after all these crunch is done. But I guess it's not that easy. Or am I just not trying hard enough and using all these burnout as excuses? Should I just disappear so I won't make trouble for anyone? Should I just die so I won't make trouble for myself? Or is it just the moon cycle?

Today is super moon. The sky is cloudy but the moon still shine so brightly in it's golden ray. Someone with the moon as his name will face his tribulation tomorrow. I pray so hard for him, I hope everything went well tomorrow for him. For me as well...

Considering

Somehow, Sunday is the day where I tend to considering if I worth living or not. I'm having trouble to work my freelance project. I wonder if it's because I understand that the deadline is loose. But still, the guilt and miserable feelings for not able to get it done is resurfacing again. I use my time for playing NDS instead. Am I just being lazy? Am I just using burnout as excuse? Can I still become a proper human being.

I still don't know about tomorrow's office works...