Won't do that anymore

I struggle to wake up this Thursday. But I have to go to work. I'm a bit late.

I finished small animation work for stage object. Then I ate one of the avocados. It wasn't fully ripe yet. I will eat the other avocado in Saturday or Sunday.

I was stressed with the next work effect assets since it needs pretty big map. I made them smaller. I still need pretty big asset maps.

I was still hungry so I made overcooked style omelette with sweet soy sauce. I ate it with rice and fried onion.

I finally finished resizing assets by 6pm. The animation was finished around 8.30pm. I couldn't ask my colleague to check it yet. I'll do that tomorrow.

By the time I get back, it's 9 pm. Bought to small steamed buns and Lawson's Salad. I feel a bit guilty for eating again.

As usual, it's hard to just brush my teeth and take a bath before checking my computers so I idling around the net until around 10pm. I tempted to strangling myself. If I feel the pain and invoking my urge to survive, maybe I won't think about suicide again, right?

...
Okay, Won't do that anymore. It's painful.

My head keep repeating every bad scenario and so many harsh word people will say to me. Is it because my brain is lacking oxygen and blood circulation for some seconds?

I'm crying again. I don't really understand why I keep crying. I'm not hurt, nor having extreme situation that makes it normal to cry right? Someone said suicidal thoughts is because people want to escape from pain. What is it from burnout that could be regarded as painful?

I just realized I forgot to shut down one of my colleagues computer. I need to notify someone who still at the office. Then I realized I didn't check my LINE. My boss ask me about some character sheet. I feel panic again.

Just one more day and I will have my day off...

Nothing is eternal, this too shall pass.

Wednesday starts okay. I wake up at 9am and managed myself to get to the office on time. The avocado is not ripped yet, so I cover them with paper.

Today's work was frustrating since I'm not the one who originally made the file. The bones and asset placements are really messy. I really want to curse the one who made it first.

I initially want to ate gadogado for lunch. But today was so hot so I only managed to went to the nearest minimart. Since I'm worried that I'm still not having my period today, I bought some Kiranti, yogurt, and eggs. By accident one kiranti bottle is falling and everything is a mess. I already payed it. But thank goodness I still get free 1 bottle since there's buy 2 get 1 promotion that I didn't aware.

I ate rice, fried egg, and yogurt for lunch. I might need to be more patient and eat when there was nobody since they see my menu was a bit weird.

By around 6pm, anxiety is crawling just because I realized it's already pass 6 pm and I feel like I can get panic attack. I try to calm myself by eating a little amount of rice with fried onions and 1 deka roll snack. I still feel horrible but get calmer.

I managed to finish the work today by 7pm. I also finish other files that need some assets replacement. I went back.

I actually want to buy some fruit juice but I don't think I can hold back any longer. When I get to my room, I cried hard. I keep repeating in my head that nothing is eternal, this too shall pass. Thank God I didn't burst at the office and freaked anybody. Thank God my works went pretty well today.

The chest still feels uncomfortable, but somehow I feel better. I want to play my games, but I also need to managed this guilty feelings that still lingering because I want to have fun.

Avocados

Monday went well

I manage to finished what I planned for Monday's work. I also managed to finish some revisions.
I get back at 8. My lunch is indomie and my dinner is Soto Ayam.

I'm glad to try Soto Ayam near me. It has everything I want from this dish. chicken lean, potato, tomato, cabbage, chunk of risol/lumpia, and the most important emping. Oh, they actually missing bean sprout. But it's okay, I rarely get soto with emping and tomato.

I noticed some parts of my skin in the face gets rough. I'm also not having my period yet. I wonder if I'm having hormonal imbalance...

I signed myself for some online psychology therapy research project. But I might not fit for their criteria to be participant. I only have burnout and they might need someone with more serious problem for their research.

I spent the night dilly dallying in internet and 15 minutes yoga for beginner, then I went to sleep.


Tuesday starts well

I get to the office a bit earlier. I managed to finished last days revisions before lunch.

I have to meet some student who ask my help for their thesis. So I ate curry rice in CP's extension. I bought some bread for dinner. I also bought avocados since I feel like I need it's nutrient. But it wasn't ripe yet.

I get back to the office at 3pm and rushed to my works. I was getting annoyed by how much work I need to retouch for the effects thanks to someone who combine it but didn't keep the initial files. The bones and asset structures are also mess, giving me a painful feelings since I need to revised some pats of it.

My programmer began to stress out how he fear he need to catch up with the deadline and lots of things aren't ready yet. The guilt creeps to me again...

I'm so sorry... I wish I could just disappear and run from this situation. I wish I could be more useful... I wish I can still be okay to work harder. I was thinking if I die perhaps everybody will be lifted from having me burdening them. I know it wasn't true.

I get back at 8pm and try to hold my tears on my way back. I buy avocado juice. The research project emailed me back and say I fit as the participant and ask my confirmation to involved in it and will be interviewed before the research started. I say yes.

I posted blog about today's curry place. After this I'll do the 15 minutes yoga and get some sleep. 

Another Counseling Session

Finally I had another counseling session yesterday. I feel even messier than before because of the deadline and I'm scared shit for still having a lot of things undone while half of the moth already gone. I can't control my fear response and suicidal ideation anymore and I even cried a little in this counseling session. I feel guilty so much for having all these feelings while other colleagues also as stressed or maybe more stressed than me. I even took no freelance anymore lately. I irritated for such small things.

Not a while ago there's news about Japanese advertising company who had one of their employee died by suicide for having 80-100 hours overtime and around 10 hours sleep per week, and what I'm actually thinking is I'm nothing compared to her. If I want to think about suicide I need to work as hard as her.

So my counselor started to sorting out my jumbled mind and here's what she said :

1. I'm obviously still having the f****** burnout

Even though I limit my work intake, working on Saturday and Sunday several times and the tight deadline makes me worse because I'm now exposed to severe stress for pretty long time.

2. My current state is not who I actually am. 

Humans usually have 3 sides of character, the real neutral one, the one which active for everyday life, and the one which active when having stress. Burnout and tight deadlines for over and over again makes my third sides in control all the time while the other two now watching in sidelines which makes me messy, easily irritated, and scared all the time. Because this 3rd me almost always interpreted any information received by my sensory in a weird messy ways. It also affect my auto fear response.

3. My current state makes me see everything as competition.

I didn't like competition but being raised as a first born with high expectation and now working with such competitive boss, my mind programmed for competition all the time while I didn't enjoy it and it makes me stressed and tense all the time. Every time I reminded that I'm losing or less than others makes myself feel horrible. And I need to stop that.

3. There's nothing wrong with judgement and criticism for my works but currently I take in in the wrong way

I take it as me personally who criticized, not my work and I should change that. Even if people say it to me in blunt or sharp way, what I need to see is the message itself and ignore the rest. I even take jokes and criticism.

4. I need to change my way of thinking about working for the sake of other people

Right now I work for the sake of deadlines, my colleagues, to compete others, and everything os driven by fear. So I really lost any enjoyment with my works and it makes my productivity falling out no matter how much time I've spent for work. I feel like in a never ending estafet marathon and I don't know when it will end...

5. I need to change my way of thinking about looking at everything in competitive manner

After I talk to my counselor I just realized I see everything as competition with others and it drains me out. Even small stuffs like cooking, helping someone, or looking at social media, I could see them as something competitive and it's just makes me more tensed and pressured. I need to change the way I see or doing things.

6. I really need to find something to do for relaxation and make it the high priority alongside with my work

This one is actually a bit tricky because it has to be something very different with my line of work and didn't remind me with anything competitive (and if possible, low cost, so it won't add as another stressor later on). I also shouldn't feel guilty to relax and slowdown.

Inktober makes me happy when I draw but the tension is still high since I still feel pressure for finishing the drawing and show it to others and it also makes my sleep pattern worse, so she didn't recommend it unless I can draw without tension or feel pressured. That's why I decided to slowdown with the Inktober.

This relaxation activity is a must and I have to really put it in my priority to do list. I'm still confused with what to do. I guess I need to google it a bit. I hope finishing my vacation plan, cleaning up my room, writing food blog, and eating nice stuffs can makes me relax without too much tension. The burnout need to be reduced first before so I can fix my way of thinking better.

7. I should never compared myself to anyone especially another stressed people.

It's a big no no to compare my stress with the employee who suicide because of her work or my colleague who also really stress and thinking about getting psychologist too but still arrived early and work until 8pm.

I should never amazed by them and it will only make me worse. If I have to compare than it should be with someone with similar background but not in troubled situation. But since I wouldn't even know much about that than I should really never compare to anyone.

But with the competitive nature programmed in my brain and body than this might be the difficult part.


I guess that sums up the counseling session. I don't know whether it's easy or difficult, and I'm still confused. But I feel better somehow because it's sorted out and I have a better understanding in which way I'm doing it wrong or not. I hope after the deadline and this project is over, this horrible feelings will also done...