Another Counseling Session

Finally I had another counseling session yesterday. I feel even messier than before because of the deadline and I'm scared shit for still having a lot of things undone while half of the moth already gone. I can't control my fear response and suicidal ideation anymore and I even cried a little in this counseling session. I feel guilty so much for having all these feelings while other colleagues also as stressed or maybe more stressed than me. I even took no freelance anymore lately. I irritated for such small things.

Not a while ago there's news about Japanese advertising company who had one of their employee died by suicide for having 80-100 hours overtime and around 10 hours sleep per week, and what I'm actually thinking is I'm nothing compared to her. If I want to think about suicide I need to work as hard as her.

So my counselor started to sorting out my jumbled mind and here's what she said :

1. I'm obviously still having the f****** burnout

Even though I limit my work intake, working on Saturday and Sunday several times and the tight deadline makes me worse because I'm now exposed to severe stress for pretty long time.

2. My current state is not who I actually am. 

Humans usually have 3 sides of character, the real neutral one, the one which active for everyday life, and the one which active when having stress. Burnout and tight deadlines for over and over again makes my third sides in control all the time while the other two now watching in sidelines which makes me messy, easily irritated, and scared all the time. Because this 3rd me almost always interpreted any information received by my sensory in a weird messy ways. It also affect my auto fear response.

3. My current state makes me see everything as competition.

I didn't like competition but being raised as a first born with high expectation and now working with such competitive boss, my mind programmed for competition all the time while I didn't enjoy it and it makes me stressed and tense all the time. Every time I reminded that I'm losing or less than others makes myself feel horrible. And I need to stop that.

3. There's nothing wrong with judgement and criticism for my works but currently I take in in the wrong way

I take it as me personally who criticized, not my work and I should change that. Even if people say it to me in blunt or sharp way, what I need to see is the message itself and ignore the rest. I even take jokes and criticism.

4. I need to change my way of thinking about working for the sake of other people

Right now I work for the sake of deadlines, my colleagues, to compete others, and everything os driven by fear. So I really lost any enjoyment with my works and it makes my productivity falling out no matter how much time I've spent for work. I feel like in a never ending estafet marathon and I don't know when it will end...

5. I need to change my way of thinking about looking at everything in competitive manner

After I talk to my counselor I just realized I see everything as competition with others and it drains me out. Even small stuffs like cooking, helping someone, or looking at social media, I could see them as something competitive and it's just makes me more tensed and pressured. I need to change the way I see or doing things.

6. I really need to find something to do for relaxation and make it the high priority alongside with my work

This one is actually a bit tricky because it has to be something very different with my line of work and didn't remind me with anything competitive (and if possible, low cost, so it won't add as another stressor later on). I also shouldn't feel guilty to relax and slowdown.

Inktober makes me happy when I draw but the tension is still high since I still feel pressure for finishing the drawing and show it to others and it also makes my sleep pattern worse, so she didn't recommend it unless I can draw without tension or feel pressured. That's why I decided to slowdown with the Inktober.

This relaxation activity is a must and I have to really put it in my priority to do list. I'm still confused with what to do. I guess I need to google it a bit. I hope finishing my vacation plan, cleaning up my room, writing food blog, and eating nice stuffs can makes me relax without too much tension. The burnout need to be reduced first before so I can fix my way of thinking better.

7. I should never compared myself to anyone especially another stressed people.

It's a big no no to compare my stress with the employee who suicide because of her work or my colleague who also really stress and thinking about getting psychologist too but still arrived early and work until 8pm.

I should never amazed by them and it will only make me worse. If I have to compare than it should be with someone with similar background but not in troubled situation. But since I wouldn't even know much about that than I should really never compare to anyone.

But with the competitive nature programmed in my brain and body than this might be the difficult part.


I guess that sums up the counseling session. I don't know whether it's easy or difficult, and I'm still confused. But I feel better somehow because it's sorted out and I have a better understanding in which way I'm doing it wrong or not. I hope after the deadline and this project is over, this horrible feelings will also done...