First two weeks of 2019 ~

A little bit recap of what major thing I can remember at 2018 :

February

Passed N3 Exam. Took IELTS.

March

Passed IELTS

May-July

Applied Scholarship

July

Bangka Vacation with my family

also

I didn't pass the interview. Really really down but still determined to try once more.

August - September
Asian Games is my best moment of 2018
I felt really really happy when why were pretty succeed in managing this big event

November

Boss said he need to postponed our paycheck for 2 weeks. Okay, that was happened and usually everything will settled down.

December

Took N2 Exam

Our paycheck since October still not entering my bank account and boss dropped a bomb that the company situation is really bad... 

I decided to took 2 months of unpaid leave...

By the end of the year, around 3 months salary hasn't payed to me yet and I'm back to my freelance life. Temporary if everything gets better, or I need to quit/kicked out if shits get worse. So yeah, my current situation is pretty bad... (it seems always bad every time I post here, huh...) 2 weeks into 2019 I actually pretty depressed and got insomnia. Those 'worthless' ghost in my head started haunting me again. 

Luckily I feel better after visit my parents house. My parents said something that unknowingly by them made me feel supported and grateful. I actually had worried they didn't agree with my attempt for scholarship, but now I feel assured. 

My plan for 2019, I still aim for scholarship since it will be my last chance. Need to prepare better.

I hope I could survive this year. I hope I could get passed all these hopeless feelings and find a better opportunity for my life.

I also need to keep track of any major events to test my anxious habit. I'm pretty paranoid with the economy and political situation this year. I hope I'm gonna be wrong but I'm not able to even have a little optimism. Maybe by keeping track and notes of events and how it aligned/not aligned to my expectation could help me fix my anxious habit.