Mixed Feelings...

Last Week is a bit weird. I almost having a late sleep everyday. I went to sleep around 2-4pm since PopCon is getting near, and woke up late every time I sleep after 3am. 2 times I woke at 11am and rush in panic to my work. My cranky level is also getting worse. I wonder if it's because I was getting late night sleep. It's easier for me to get upset, like last time when I feel blamed for something I didn't get notified.

This week I decided to not join my office cooking group since last Friday some of them hit me with a remark "I don't know that your eating portion is bigger than normal girl" and then I get another anxiety attack... That word made me feel guilty. Perhaps I'm taking more than I supposed to that other people didn't get enough for themselves because of me. Perhaps I'm a failure as a girl for eating too much. Do I have to be judged on how much food I take? I'm not even eat rice that time, but potato is also bad? Am I will never be accepted because I'm fat and I love to eat? Food is my source of comfort and if I'm not supposed to eat them then how can I be happy? It makes me feel guilty to eat at the office after that, especially when I'm eating carbs, I feel the anxiety is creeping to me.

I'm not mad at them, I'm fully understand that they didn't mean anything bad and my way of thinking perhaps is irrational. But I can't help to feel that way. And every time I help to cook I feel guilty for not being able to cut stuff fast or neat. I feel guilty if I'm helping too little but irritated if I help too much and other member gets the easy part. I feel guilty that they can't freely cook spicy food because of me.

I can't take it and cried after lunch that Friday. The office cat, Maru, seemed to notice I was feeling sad and try to comfort me. Usually he doesn't like if I pet him, but that time he lean on me on his own. Somehow his kindness just made me cry harder. :')

I thought I was getting better... am I wrong? I didn't even sleep that late unless I'm engrossed in a game or comics. And I didn't get irritated this easy before. I feel bad because I can't explain properly why I want to quit the cooking group. It seems bothersome to explain my thinking progress, I don't think they'll understand and I'll face another judgement if I told them. Whether I'm explaining or not, they'll still think I'm just unsatisfied with them anyways...

Although it's quite rough, but last week I manage to meet friends from 3 different circle and I feel happy I can talk some of my problems to them. One of them understand my burnout and didn't belittle me even though I know she's having worse challenge than me. And I'm grateful everybody just want the best for me.