This week is really bad, as if a better weeks before went for nothing. After my cousin wedding and my brother's question for my future decision, I get anxious again. This time I'm having my period, heavier than usual. For Monday and Tuesday, my mood is really in chaos. I manage to keep the target for my office work but with the price of overtime, and my freelance work neglected. The stress meter is up and I feel like I can't forgive myself for not being able to handle my target well.
I decided to take one day for sick leave on Wednesday in order to keep up with my freelance deadline. I still can't get the target I want, but I thought I can relax my mental pressure a bit since I might not have any chance with deadlines approaching. I also didn't give much thought about diet and my meal exceeding 1500 kcal. But I decided to take 30 minutes aerobic exercise.
I made a mistake in Thursday by drinking coffee in the office. It gave me an awesome anxious day, and I didn't even get my work target cleared. I get another guilt and anxiety attack in my mind which keep repeating 'just die already oh you worthless one' even thought I knew clearly I won't go to suicide path. It's just to messy and I can't allow my family suffer because of me, nor my name will be mentioned in some low rated newspaper with depraving and shaming title on it. I felt like just want to cry or smacked some children who played with loud firecrackers at 1 AM.
Of course I didn't blame the coffee until evening, but I remember almost all mental breakdown I was having before was correlated with coffee. I'm fine with tea somehow, I don't know what's the difference. Maybe it's not because coffee after all? My mind even fought between choosing to buy ice cream or kiwi slices. I choose to buy kiwi in the end.
On Thursday night I finally try to reach psychologist in my University alumni. It's near where I live and also near my office, so I can go there
without notifying my family. I don't want their concern in my mental
state. I believe they love me dearly, but they won't take this problem
of mine seriously. I'm still feel ashamed for contacting psychologist though... I feel like I'm making a big deal of something when people I knew face harsher difficulties in their life but can still fight on strongly. I'm not even sure if this is really a depression, but I hope they can shed some lights for me.
I don't know if they'll help but I feel like I need to do anything I can try to get rid of these miserable feelings. I'm also try to think anything that maybe the cause of my depression. Maybe it's not just burnout, maybe it's because toxoplasmosis? I'm still thinking whether I should get my blood check for this or not. But visiting psychologist already costing my money. I need to save that for later.
Friday, my mood is much much better. Maybe it's really the coffee fault. But I didn't have the mood to clear the target, reach my goal, or anything. But Friday is always the most pressured day for me since we'll always be asked about or weekly performance, next week goal, and being reminded of how little time we have until the deadline.I feel like a failure for always have this faltering mind when my coworkers also having the same or harder pressure in this project. I'm trying so hard to not keep them down but I still makes mistakes and the revision work piles.
The next Saturday and Sunday, I really need to give my all for my freelance work. I hope the mood will be better and I can keep focus on the work.
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