It will be a long five years, or maybe two.

Been pretty long since the last post. Shitty stuffs still happen around the world but I managed to get better.

It's just today I have some anxiety attack again as the result for lack of sleep, stress of works, and eating too much cakes. My office work is okay so far, it's the side jobs that's a bit getting out of hand. And I still need to learn language for the upcoming test, drawing practice, and managing my IG.

So voila, those horrible feelings are creeping in again. The usual thoughts that makes me feel worthless, and my rational side is still managed as hard as it can to hang on. My uncontrolled heartbeat is making me nuts. And pressure from deadlines is making it worse.

I need to hang on. I need the money anyway... I have to get out as soon as I can.

About Body Shaming

I think the person who hurt me the most and made me uncomfortable with my body is actually my parents. Especially my father. My mom does that too especially when I was younger. But my dad does it more often. Like saying I'm fat for a joke, teasing me when I was getting slimmer, shaming me whenever he caught me ate instant noodles, or humiliate me when I sit in the back of the car and makes it heavier for the back wheels to push the car. 

I never forget how he said I could get rank 3rd highest test result for my final exams at high school only because I'm in social class and social study is easier than science class. I love my father and I know he loves me dearly too, but I can ignore I also have some kind of grudge to him for his 'jokes' and for never acknowledging my hard work.

Perhaps it's one of the reasons for my low self confidence, of myself and my body. It might also be one of the reason I've never interested in marriage or having a lover. I can't see it as a way to make me happy.

I know my life is my own and I shouldn't think about it too much. If it's other people maybe I can ignore it. But it's just a bit harder when they come from my own parents.

little children sang about kill and murder song in "planting the corn" melody

Lately there are 2 biggest concern in my mind.

1. Do I still have time
2. How to react wisely in this world with so much hatred that kindness seems only have small effect in it

My friends said I'm too paranoid and everything will be all right. But so far there's nothing, anything, that proves it. It's getting worse day by day.

I'm tired with all "We're not afraid" or "Terrorism has no religion" or "Don't lower yourself on their level" jargon. I'm tired people just scorn it on the social media without doing anything that really try to fix all of this, and in the end they're just bickering at each other who is the most righteous one. I'm mad at myself for not knowing what to do to fix or help all of this. I'm not even sure if I can help myself.

Children used for demonstration, singing as a mob, chanting about killing people so easily in this country. People try to turn blind or blame anything else if it's their identity that being probed. Mostly in denial. It won't affect me directly anyway, maybe that's what in their mind.

too scared to have hope

People said, it will be all right. All of these are temporary.
I can't believe it until it's proven. With all that's happening I can't dare to believe the situation won't get any worse.

People said, there still lots of people who have a right mind.
But 42% is not helping. The other team still have more number. I don't even think those people with right mind will be able to help if anything bad is really happening.

I hope I'm wrong. I really want they're right. That everything will be okay and they'll laugh at me for my paranoid mind.
But I'm too scared to have hope.

I will be lying to myself if I believe that everything will be all right. And I really suck at lying.

Another New Decision

My 2 weeks vacation to Japan was awesome and I feel very grateful for it. It has it's ups and down moment but overall everything was great. I was able to see Sakura flowers from early opening, full bloom, into their falling moment. It's really beautiful.

Nagano, Niigata, and Sendai are also amazing. I never seen alps and mountains so beautiful in my whole life. The only regret is that we only spent 1 night for each town because we will need 2 nights to be satisfied in each town.

But the happy moment is over. We go back home and have to deal with another blow. The election result is awful. If only it's not about religion and race that contaminated this election really bad, I won't be this hopeless. I feel like there will be no place for me to be treated fair and square, and the rise of religion-fascist movement in this nation really makes me scared. Even until now I still feel awful.

Thinking that everything will be alright and the next governor won't be that bad will be just a denial thought and I won't even hope for that. I have loss all my respect, only bitterness left for this candidate, ever since January this year. So I won't hope anything for him. If I will be proved wrong than that's great but I won't pray he will be failed or succeed. Hoping anything good will come from him will only hurt me.

I've decided to try to get scholarship for master degree abroad. I will spend this year to hone my language and drawing skill. Next year, I'll apply for IELTS and scholarship program. The next two years will be the only time I can get scholarship. So at least I will try my best to achieve my dream. I hope I can still be able to apply JLPT test this year.

My burnout seems to be recovering pretty much and I can manage my emotions better. So I might not post often in this blog page. But I guess that's a good sign.

2 weeks for my Japan Vacation

At long last tomorrow will be my vacation day. I'm still stressed with my load of works at the office. The plane is today's at 11pm and I can't take anymore day off. I hope everything will went well.

20 days left until the final election. Even though I might not be able to follow every news for the next two weeks, I really hope nothing bad will happen.

If I have power

Maybe I'll be no better than those who I condemn. Lately the situation makes me think that genocide wasn't such a bad idea. Not by race, nor religion. I have my own standards. I'm really tired to have to endure all these bullshits by those people.

I understand that my heart is consumed by hatred. But I don't know how to heal it with all hatred, hypocrisy, and stupidity within this nation.

If I have no heart, I wonder if I could be much much more efficient.

It's been a while

While I feel better at managing my emotions for sometime, the hopelessness is still lingering. There will be 2nd election next month. My works are also piling up again. I feel anxious for my job and my life. It will be a big storm if April 19th didn't go well.

The vacation is getting nearer. Maybe that's also contributing my anxiety. I hope everything will went well. I managed to lose some weight in the last several months. I hope it won't hike too much after the vacation. 

I really hope my bad premonition will only stay in my head as an irrational paranoia. I doesn't have to be true. I don't want it at all.

Will be anxious for the next 5 days

I post a bit rarely here now, I guess that's a good sign?

It's 5 days before the regional election and I really hope it will only go in one term. I'm so tired of all these political emotional roller coaster for the last half year. As a triple or more minorities, this year's election makes me uneasy. 

I feel like some people who didn't decide yet is a privileged people who don't have to worried much since they're part of majorities and can boast their neutrality.  Sorry if I sounded a bit bitter. Maybe I'm just jealous. Because here I am always living in fear that each generation of us will need brace ourselves for 1-2 shitty stuffs. And without much money, I don't know will I be able to survive and will it be worth to living for...? :S

I guess I'll just do what I can. Back to work. Replacing one anxiety with another kind of anxiety.

Making new glasses lens

The good news is we don't have to leave the current house right now. It seems may parents decided to pay the rent for the current house to appease my grandaunt. But I kinda wish we still be prepared to find another house so we didn't have to stay in debt to someone that didn't want us to be there. I need to sell or giveaway my stuffs there as much as I can.

Today is the Chinese New Year. I really hope Fire Rooster will be much kinder than the last one. I hope I can be better this year.

I also ordered new lens for my glasses since the old one is already 4 years and pretty blurred. My minus now a bit higher than before. Maybe all last year stress affected my eyes too...

My new lenses are really thick... much thicker than the old one even though my minus only change around half or one. The thickness are so obviously reflected it makes me feel a bit annoyed every time I look at the mirror. And there are also reflection in the inner side of the lenses.

The lenses aren't the most expensive type, but still it wasn't cheap. I don't know if the thickness caused by my additional minus, because the lenses are cheaper than the usual, or because they didn't thinning it. I'll be very pissed if it's the last or second reason since they said it will be as thick as the more expensive one. I really need to squeeze my budget if I have to make another lenses...

The focus is okay though and I think my eyes can adjusted pretty well after some times. I don't know why I become this particularly stressed with my looks. It's getting me a bit depressed although I know it wasn't really a serious matter...

Bad News

Today I went to alpha testing Jakarta Aquarium with my brother. I kinda have a hunch that the aquarium is not really ready, but it's pretty much disappointment with so little sample fish and low quality thick glass.

I received a really bad news from my brother. We need to move out from our current house by next month because my grandaunt money is missing (several thousand dollars) and she blamed my mom for stealing it. We have to move out... and we don't even know where we will be move now.

I don't know how to manage my stuffs if the next house is much smaller than the current one. And the money to rent house too, I don't know if we have enough...

My current state of mind is too calm for this news. Maybe I'm actually still in denial state. Or maybe I just knew something bad will happen if everything went too well with my life. I also have hunch it will be really hard for me after this to have a big vacation, which is why I give my heart in this year vacation. I really have a bad feeling since last year that I really need to go to Japan this year or else I will really regret it...

The first 2 weeks of 2017

This weekend is pretty nice. I went to office at Saturday because there was a seminar my boss asked me to attend. My boss health massage therapist is at the office so I asked for the massage too. It's pretty painful especially in my legs. It still hurts even until 2 days later. ^^;

After that we went to seminar and have pretty nice discussions with my female colleague. While the seminar wasn't really insightful for me. Back to the office I went to CP and had and awesome meal at BornGa.

Suddenly I met friends with their child. They will also go to Japan next April and we want to take picture together with Sakura. We chat pretty long that I even forgot my initial purpose went to CP. I get back with their car. Lucky me.

I awoke pretty late at Sunday, around 12-1pm. It made me drowsy and I feel my movement a bit slow. I could only managed to washed my clothes and did small revisions with my work and suddenly it's 4pm. I went to Church and after that got back to CP again to search some weight scale, shoes, and wallet.

9pm, I went back and watched Song of the Sea from Youtube. Awesome animation full of magic and wonder. Feels like children fairytales. I love it so much I regret didn't watch it in cinema 3 years ago.

10 days passed

It's already 11th of January. I feel everything started well, at least with my own emotion and self management. I almost don't get any emotional breakdown for this past 10 days. There are several things that still makes me a bit anxious and sad but I can still manage it with reasonable thoughts.

2 things that's bothering me today. First, my period started faster than usual. This is not good for my vacation plan since it's already 2-3 months left until the departure and it will hinder my plan to dip on some onsens. I really really hope that the next two months my period will have a longer cycle.

Second, I found that I've unfollowed one of my colleague. I really don't know why. She didn't followed me anymore either. I'm too scared to ask if it's just malfunction with twitter or she didn't want to follow me somehow. I don't want to pressure her to follow me too and I'm afraid if I asked her, she'll said something is wrong and followed me back while she actually really don't want to do that. I don't know if she's okay if I following her. But if she's somehow blocked and then unblocked me (I don't know if she did this or not) then maybe she also don't want me to follow her.

This makes me a bit down today. And I'm really not sure what's going on.

My workload is better right now so I guess that's a good news. I try to learn Japanese and drawing again. I hope I can be more consistent this year. I'm still fasting. I thought I will finish fasting at February 15, but with the current situation I don't know until when I will do this.