Welcoming 2017

2016 is over and now we have to brace ourselves for 2017.
I really hope everything will get better.

Holiday

Somehow I feel happy. I cleaned up my room, watched some tv series, sleep a lot, didn't push myself too much with work. I feel relaxed.

Yet I also worried because I didn't do much work. Is it okay to relax?

It's just 2 days before New Year.

Merry Christmas

It's been two weeks since the last blog. Current blogger format makes me a bit lazy to post regularly.

The last urgent project was finished even though it's a bit delayed. After that I focused myself with office work and scheduling for my vacation next year. I found myself take bath and sleep in very late hours everyday. I really need to fix this bad habit. Scheduling for vacation is pretty fun that I always absorbed in that activity. But bathing and sleeping late takes tolls in my health.

I still get angry with the news and stuffs, but I feel more numb. I hope it's just me that can handle my emotions better. Or else it's just me losing hopes about future each day. But music makes my daily activities feels better.

I got body lotion and shower gel from my Secret Santa. It's a pretty nice gift, I love it. I hope my gift to other will also be fun and useful.

I just got back from the Church for Christmas. I'm glad I could be with my family on Christmas night. But now I'm back to my place. I have all week for holidays this year. But works keeps piling in. At least it's not illustration project this year. I hope I can make the next 9 days off to finish all my delayed projects.

2016 is almost over. I'm really tired with this year... Please don't let anything bad happen...

Before Long Weekend

After several cranky days, I was actually having a pretty nice Thursday and Friday.

8/12/16
After work, I go to watch Kimi no Na wa with my brother. This movie really lift up my mood and their soundtrack songs makes my ear and feelings really happy. The movie is pretty great.

9/12/16
It's pretty tiring to trim hundreds of assets, but I've managed to finish the urgent animation work. Next week I can continue illustration for the artbook. I decided to try a new Japanese Restaurant because I can feel I'll have rough longweekend if I didn't do it. I don't regret it. The place is pretty fine and nice place for sushi and sashimi.

Now I only have two days left for the urgent freelance work and I even barely started. I really really hope I can make it.

Emotional Turbulance, again.

Sunday 4/12/16
I was angry for not being able to be productive this day. People I spent one day just for washing clothes, following social media updates, binge-watching Friends and Godfather. I cried and panicked. I'm so scared I won't be able to work my best next week.

Monday 5/12/16
I got email for the new urgent job offer with decent pay. So I took it. I got panic attack at night thanks to someone with certain comment that could be described at racist statement. Spending the rest of the night by crying with depressing thoughts.

Tuesday 6/12/16
I woke up really late. I got to workplace very late. I feel annoyed already. And then there's this boycott Sari Roti issue. It's stupid. But I can't laugh anymore. At the afternoon there's some group who forcefully end a mass by Christian community at Sabuga Bandung. I think this group just want to extorted money and didn't get it so they did this sickening act. I feel like the world is slowly going to end in my lifetime. I cried again at night.

Wednesday 7/12/16
My office work went pretty well. I got cranky for small matter with colleague at the office. Another intolerance news, this time from Yogyakarta. I still need to make the sketch for current freelance project but I can't sleep late tonight. I can only laugh while watching Friends. Maybe I'm having pms or maybe all the news makes me depressed again. I don't know...

Tomorrow I want to watch Kimi no Na Wa and ate some cheesetart.

Blue Umbrella

Thank God 212 went well. I actually very surprised when the president is also came to the mass.

Yesterday is also the first Friday of the month and I decided to go to the Church at Friday this week. The priest actually was giving relevant speech for the current situation.

My work was a mess though, it's really hard to concentrate to my job yesterday.

But even after a relieving outcome in the national political situation, Trump did something again internationally. He made my "this world is gonna end in my time" anxiety appear again...

Today I cleaned up my room, chatting with some friends, and looking at booking.com for my accommodation options for the next year vacation plan. I feel too relaxed today, but I guess it's okay to be a bit relaxed on weekend.

It's December

Christmas is near. 2017 is just next month and the year of Rooster is just the next 2 months. After all depressing November, I still feel plunge into darkness. I don't know if it's still worth to live in this world and I feel hopeless with humanity. I know not all people losing their common sense, but I fear that common sense is actually minority. I feel as if my budding hope is taken away from me.

I think I recovered from my burnout. I don't feel too scared with my works anymore (although I'm still limiting myself in taking job offer). But now I'm depressed with the social politic situation around me. I feel like my works is actually a little solace from this crazy reality.

Tomorrow they said there will be "Super Peaceful Act of Demonstration". I'm feeling nauseous...

Hoax News and Bigoted People

Lately it's not about work anymore. I feel more depressed because of politics. Hoax news are keep coming, everywhere, everyday.

I just don't understand why people can easily believe hoax news with bombastic and unbelievable headlines. Is it because their hatred to certain people can easily makes their logic and mind aren't functioned? Or am I just overestimating human beings? And they didn't even open for discussion. "If you don't like it just go away and don't comment. If you agree, click share and like" they said.

My grandaunt is Trump supporters and my aunt prefer Hillary. They were having conversations about USA presidential election. Then my grandaunt said "Are you really a Christian or are you actually a Muslim? Why are you supporting Hillary? Don't you know she's been paid by Saudi and Obama is actually Muslim who pretended to be Christian?"

I feel sick, I want to puke. I know some of my relatives are racist, but now I know my grandaunt is no better than FPI and their fanboys who can easily label other people as 'kafir' just because they have different political opinion even though they're having same religion.

Am I supposed to do something? Or is there nothing I can do? Am I just not trying hard enough? Why do people have to hate each other just because their different, having different opinions or having different faith? Why is it so easy to hate?

I'm scared.

Just another day with anxieties

My Ipoh came and all she talk is about political gossips.

Today didn't went well. My plan to join the rally is a bit blundered. I should just buy some cheese tart like my brother had suggesting. I also make unfunny jokes to my friend. Political facebook posts also makes my mood worse. Maybe I should really stay away from facebooking too much.

My anxieties is bursting again and I'm questioning my self worth and existence like usual.

Good things that happened, my weight is going down a bit. My dad also  bought me some of my favorite herbal drinks. I also walk around for one hours, I need some exercises.

Big Bullshit

Big bullshit I learned last week : kampanye damai

Big bullshit I learned this week : rasa keadilan masyarakat

Super Moon

I try so hard not to think about how I don't like to be lectured by someone who was behind me before. I can't help to feel worthless. I write this blog so I can just dump my darkest feelings and move on with my work. It's not like I hate him or hate his progress. I hate myself for being stagnant and still don't understand which way of thinking that was wrong in my head.

I don't know how to know where the balance of pushing myself too hard or being lazy. These scary feelings every time I work makes me just want to find something else for distraction. I thought I'll be better after all these crunch is done. But I guess it's not that easy. Or am I just not trying hard enough and using all these burnout as excuses? Should I just disappear so I won't make trouble for anyone? Should I just die so I won't make trouble for myself? Or is it just the moon cycle?

Today is super moon. The sky is cloudy but the moon still shine so brightly in it's golden ray. Someone with the moon as his name will face his tribulation tomorrow. I pray so hard for him, I hope everything went well tomorrow for him. For me as well...

Considering

Somehow, Sunday is the day where I tend to considering if I worth living or not. I'm having trouble to work my freelance project. I wonder if it's because I understand that the deadline is loose. But still, the guilt and miserable feelings for not able to get it done is resurfacing again. I use my time for playing NDS instead. Am I just being lazy? Am I just using burnout as excuse? Can I still become a proper human being.

I still don't know about tomorrow's office works...

Still Politics...

7 November 2016
I was waiting and find out the open hearing will be held next week. I hope next week everything will be okay and he'll be free.
I start to try fasting. I still drink, but I eat only after 5pm.

8 November 2016
This is the day for USA presidential election. I don't feel anything, somehow I have bad feeling if I didn't feel anxious then something bad will happen.

9 November 2016
911
Donald Trump won. I hope the prophecy will stay as prophecy. I kinda feel the dove and the eagle were subtle signs from nature. Now everything is like this and the world is shocked.

10 November 2016
Racial attack at USA started. It reminds me with Brexit. Some said it's just lies by minorities. But considering how police use racial profiling there, I'm not sure which one is the truth.
AA was freed from jail. He asked to be not disturbed for the next 3 months. I guess February will be really hectic considering this and the upcoming regional election.
So far I'm able to fasting until 5pm, only some minor candy incident at Tuesday since I had slipped. But my choice for eating is still bad. I need to choose cheaper and smaller portion food next week.

11 November 2016
I only fast until around 3.30pm since my boss treat us food at Kintan Buffet. It's a pretty good buffet.
My brother bought me some Kiehls products for my falling hair by my friend's recommendation. It's really expensive. I really hope it will work nicely for my hair.
I also pay all my debts to my brother and all the saving is gone thanks to my debt. I feel a bit ashamed that I can't make more money than my brother and feel rotting away.
I still ate 2 slices of pizza when I accompany my brother to eat. I liked the pizza, but I feel guilty for taking more calories after the all you can eat buffet.

 

12 November 2016

Last night I was furious to find out my Dad changed my stuffs placement. So today I cleaned up and rearrange the desk, books, cabinets. I also not fasting today, I don't really want to say that I'm fasting to other people.

My stomach is feeling a bit weird by the afternoon. Maybe I'll need some Polysilane.

This week feels a bit unproductive since my mind is wandering into political stuffs. But thankfully I managed to finish the requested office works. Next week they'll ask me to help with artbook progress. Honestly I'm scared I can't do it good enough or fast enough.

The Moon, the frog, the buffalo, and the horse. North will remember.

3 November 2016

All news and social media were talking about 4th november demonstration. I was paranoid, but still have faith there won't be much problems. My concentration at work was really poor. I was so angry at some ex president pers conference. I have no more symphaty to him anymore. I hate him for fueling the demonstrations and I believe it's him who pulled the strings. 

Some offices and schools, especially in protocol area, decided to took a day off. Mine was not. It's safer at the office since there are weapons. My boss and some colleagues also know self defense.

4 November 2016

Police and military were ready for anticipating the demonstrations. It went well without much problem, although I still think all their saying about peacefull demonstrations is bullshit since they endorsed killing and lots of hate to the governor and president in their oration and songs. Bunches of hypocrites... Though I do appreaciate that they had tried to keep everything clean and in order.

6pm then everything went downhill. Some groups tried to attack the police, around presidential palace, around the governor's house, mostly at the north. Several anti-Chinese attack happened at the north. Some shops were ransacked. They want us to be reminded with 98 riot.

I couldn't sleep well. When our president finally gave his press conference I know everything will be okay. It won't be more than this. But I still cry. I pray so hard that our governor and president can go through this. 

Dasar Kebo Asu!!!

5 November 2016

I woke up earlier than usual. Today I cleaned my room. Internet connection is down, so I just used my phone for connection. I cried a lot today. I guess yesterday is pretty stressful. 

I cry because my boss become convinced that we have to learn how to defend ourselves. I hate work out, at least I don't want to do that with them while I am still having this burnout. I cry when I heard about this idea because all anxiety and insecurities are roaming all around my head.

I cry when the governor stated it's okay if he's jailed if he creates so much chaos, but he won't back down. I cry so hard, I can't accept that injustice will happen to him. I feel helpless. I pray so hard that he will be okay and get through this safely. I really wish he could govern us again. I can't trust the other candidates. 

I cry again when I realized some facebook acquaintances hated them. I feel so dissapointed. It's not like it was easy to click the unfriend button, but I have to do it or I'll be consumed in rage. I always feel nauseous every time the televisions said all these were peaceful protest.

My room now is clean. I'll just rest and enjoy it.

Politics...

I'm a bit slowing down with my works. It's already November. I know I will be overwhelmed with merchandise and stuffs later. I hope it's okay for me to take it a bit slowly this week. I started walking too this week, around 3-4km each day. I enjoy my walk but it makes me easier to be tempted by food vendor.

One freelance project is done for a while. I'm a bit troubled with the other illustration project. It still makes me scared to draw. Maybe I should do it on weekend.

My mood today is pretty much destroyed today thanks to the news about politics. Some people are threatening minority people and government, masking their actions with religion BS.

The good thing I had experienced today is llao llao red queen smoothies. It's so delicious and makes me forget about all the bad stuffs for a while.

Is it really done?

Wednesday, I finished the last cut scene. I hope there will be no revisions.

Thursday, I went to monster animation. I was a bit irritated when the programmer ask 12 additional animation. I'm so scared I won't make it by Friday.

Friday, I woke up with bad lazy mood. I still wasn't sure to be able to finish 12 additional animation today. But at the afternoon it was actually done and I couldn't even believe myself. I asked for the next animation that need to be fixed and they say it also done. Is it really done? Did I misheard something?

I couldn't relax and I feel at lost. I had to find other task that still undone or might be missed by other. If I relieved, if I thought that everything is done, something bad will happen. Next week I'll do illustration for other costumes that supposed to appear at the game. Everybody seems to missed that.

I ate curry udon and tenzaru soba for dinner. The food was delicious, it was an awesome dinner.

Saturday, I went to market and bought some box for my new shoes. I actually wanted to drink some herbal drinks but the shop is so crowded. I ate so many kangkung for lunch. I love how they're cooked with tomatoes, garlic, and tauco. No one in the house love it more than me.

I play games until afternoon, then prepared myself for my friends wedding reception. I always a bit cynical about wedding and I feel dragged every time I get wedding invitation. But she's a good friend.

I went to the wedding reception and found myself concentrated with the food too much. I didn't ate all of them, but still I ate till full and satisfied. I felt like the groom ignored me, and I actually felt it since long. Maybe he doesn't like me or maybe I just thinking too much negatively about his gesture. I shouldn't think too much about it.

I get back with my family and we went to PIM for midnight sale after the reception. Since we're with our parents, we couldn't go out too much. My sandals for reception was also hurting my feet. I should change it with my ordinary sandals. We bought some new shirts. I actually wanted to go to H&M, Pull&Bear, Muji, Uniqlo, and Sogo. But Mom and Dad already tired. We went home at 11pm.

Sunday, I woke up at 11am. I overslept. I ate yellow fried rice, yellow tofu, and sauted water cabbage for brunch. My home yellow fried rice is always the best I've ever had.

I go back to my living quarter, writing blogs, and prepare for Monday. I often feel scared at Sunday when I'm alone. I wrote some blog posts. I ate fried potatoes, tofu with oyster sauce, green vegetables with oyster sauce, a bit rice, and hazelnut milk for early dinner. Now I feel fat. My freelance projects are still undone. I hope everything will be okay next week.

Dear Hippocampus, please be well. T_T

When was I never worried. I worry all the time. ==;
Now I'm worrying my brain. I can't control my emotion even for something small. I have auto fear response for sometimes for nothing. I hope it's not related with how I fell, smacked my jaw, and damaged my 2 front teeth some months ago. I'm worried that my hippocampus is already having problems... I won't suffocate myself anymore, so please be well... T___T

Today, I went to immigration office again. My business there finished around 8am. I was relieved and impressed it didn't took so long. But I found myself feeling guilty because now I actually could go to work. But I didn't. Instead, I went to shopping malls, ate lots of xiao long paos, ate some desserts, and walking around the malls.

My auto fear response was triggered when I remembered today is Tuesday and I was having cake ate working hours. I almost fell again because I didn't notice there is stairs in front of me. Thank God my brother grabbed me fast so I didn't fall completely and didn't get hurt.

Tomorrow is another workday. I really need this project to be finished before I can really feel calm about everything.

Rotting Avocado

I managed to finish 2 cutscenes at Friday. Now only 1 cutscene left. But I'm still not sure. Perhaps there will be another revision. I brought the last avocado to my home. 

I ate some low budget tepanyaki for dinner. A bit so so, but I was still happy to be able to ate with my brother.

Saturday, I have yellow turmeric fried rice for breakfast, the best thing that I can only enjoy at home. 

I went to the mall to buy a shirt for my passport photo. I didn't have shirt with collar. I also ate some cha soba and really happy to finally able to enjoy some cha soba. 

For dinner I have chicken soup at home. My dad also bought us McDonalds apple pies. It's not really a pie, though.

I spent the night fixing my hotel booking with my brother. Now I can arrange my vacation schedule in more detail. I close the day by answering survey for participating as research subject for online depression help.

Sunday, it's raining from morning till afternoon. I actually planned to eat xiao long pao and buy some breads, but the rain put halt for my plan.

We bought some bread in the afternoon while pick up Mom. At car she stated how smelly my body was over and over again. I couldn't handle that and cried in the car. I tried my best to hide the fact that I was crying.

The avocado roted, so I couldn't eat it anymore. It got thrown away...

Before we went to church she asked me to clean my armpit and put another shirt. I can't hide it anymore and I break in front of her. I cried so hard with all the stress, anxiety, I feel so shameful that I can't managed by emotions. I know I shouldn't cry so much for being told about my smell, maybe just a little annoyed. But I can't handle it.

I can't tell much to them. Because we're late for church and I couldn't managed to tell them how actually depressed I am. I still cry during the church mass session, but I managed to get calmer.

We went to ate a very good rice poridge at Mangga Besar. I felt happy to be able to ate it. We didn't discuss about me anymore. I guess that's for the best.

Monday, my brother and I woke up early to go to immigration office. But our documents were not complete, so we went back early.

My credit problem isn't solved either. I will still be viewed as bad creditor as long as the one who buy my mom's kiosk is still late with her payment. 

Luckily, I also took a leave for tomorrow. I hope tomorrow will be better and everything will went well.

Won't do that anymore

I struggle to wake up this Thursday. But I have to go to work. I'm a bit late.

I finished small animation work for stage object. Then I ate one of the avocados. It wasn't fully ripe yet. I will eat the other avocado in Saturday or Sunday.

I was stressed with the next work effect assets since it needs pretty big map. I made them smaller. I still need pretty big asset maps.

I was still hungry so I made overcooked style omelette with sweet soy sauce. I ate it with rice and fried onion.

I finally finished resizing assets by 6pm. The animation was finished around 8.30pm. I couldn't ask my colleague to check it yet. I'll do that tomorrow.

By the time I get back, it's 9 pm. Bought to small steamed buns and Lawson's Salad. I feel a bit guilty for eating again.

As usual, it's hard to just brush my teeth and take a bath before checking my computers so I idling around the net until around 10pm. I tempted to strangling myself. If I feel the pain and invoking my urge to survive, maybe I won't think about suicide again, right?

...
Okay, Won't do that anymore. It's painful.

My head keep repeating every bad scenario and so many harsh word people will say to me. Is it because my brain is lacking oxygen and blood circulation for some seconds?

I'm crying again. I don't really understand why I keep crying. I'm not hurt, nor having extreme situation that makes it normal to cry right? Someone said suicidal thoughts is because people want to escape from pain. What is it from burnout that could be regarded as painful?

I just realized I forgot to shut down one of my colleagues computer. I need to notify someone who still at the office. Then I realized I didn't check my LINE. My boss ask me about some character sheet. I feel panic again.

Just one more day and I will have my day off...

Nothing is eternal, this too shall pass.

Wednesday starts okay. I wake up at 9am and managed myself to get to the office on time. The avocado is not ripped yet, so I cover them with paper.

Today's work was frustrating since I'm not the one who originally made the file. The bones and asset placements are really messy. I really want to curse the one who made it first.

I initially want to ate gadogado for lunch. But today was so hot so I only managed to went to the nearest minimart. Since I'm worried that I'm still not having my period today, I bought some Kiranti, yogurt, and eggs. By accident one kiranti bottle is falling and everything is a mess. I already payed it. But thank goodness I still get free 1 bottle since there's buy 2 get 1 promotion that I didn't aware.

I ate rice, fried egg, and yogurt for lunch. I might need to be more patient and eat when there was nobody since they see my menu was a bit weird.

By around 6pm, anxiety is crawling just because I realized it's already pass 6 pm and I feel like I can get panic attack. I try to calm myself by eating a little amount of rice with fried onions and 1 deka roll snack. I still feel horrible but get calmer.

I managed to finish the work today by 7pm. I also finish other files that need some assets replacement. I went back.

I actually want to buy some fruit juice but I don't think I can hold back any longer. When I get to my room, I cried hard. I keep repeating in my head that nothing is eternal, this too shall pass. Thank God I didn't burst at the office and freaked anybody. Thank God my works went pretty well today.

The chest still feels uncomfortable, but somehow I feel better. I want to play my games, but I also need to managed this guilty feelings that still lingering because I want to have fun.

Avocados

Monday went well

I manage to finished what I planned for Monday's work. I also managed to finish some revisions.
I get back at 8. My lunch is indomie and my dinner is Soto Ayam.

I'm glad to try Soto Ayam near me. It has everything I want from this dish. chicken lean, potato, tomato, cabbage, chunk of risol/lumpia, and the most important emping. Oh, they actually missing bean sprout. But it's okay, I rarely get soto with emping and tomato.

I noticed some parts of my skin in the face gets rough. I'm also not having my period yet. I wonder if I'm having hormonal imbalance...

I signed myself for some online psychology therapy research project. But I might not fit for their criteria to be participant. I only have burnout and they might need someone with more serious problem for their research.

I spent the night dilly dallying in internet and 15 minutes yoga for beginner, then I went to sleep.


Tuesday starts well

I get to the office a bit earlier. I managed to finished last days revisions before lunch.

I have to meet some student who ask my help for their thesis. So I ate curry rice in CP's extension. I bought some bread for dinner. I also bought avocados since I feel like I need it's nutrient. But it wasn't ripe yet.

I get back to the office at 3pm and rushed to my works. I was getting annoyed by how much work I need to retouch for the effects thanks to someone who combine it but didn't keep the initial files. The bones and asset structures are also mess, giving me a painful feelings since I need to revised some pats of it.

My programmer began to stress out how he fear he need to catch up with the deadline and lots of things aren't ready yet. The guilt creeps to me again...

I'm so sorry... I wish I could just disappear and run from this situation. I wish I could be more useful... I wish I can still be okay to work harder. I was thinking if I die perhaps everybody will be lifted from having me burdening them. I know it wasn't true.

I get back at 8pm and try to hold my tears on my way back. I buy avocado juice. The research project emailed me back and say I fit as the participant and ask my confirmation to involved in it and will be interviewed before the research started. I say yes.

I posted blog about today's curry place. After this I'll do the 15 minutes yoga and get some sleep. 

Another Counseling Session

Finally I had another counseling session yesterday. I feel even messier than before because of the deadline and I'm scared shit for still having a lot of things undone while half of the moth already gone. I can't control my fear response and suicidal ideation anymore and I even cried a little in this counseling session. I feel guilty so much for having all these feelings while other colleagues also as stressed or maybe more stressed than me. I even took no freelance anymore lately. I irritated for such small things.

Not a while ago there's news about Japanese advertising company who had one of their employee died by suicide for having 80-100 hours overtime and around 10 hours sleep per week, and what I'm actually thinking is I'm nothing compared to her. If I want to think about suicide I need to work as hard as her.

So my counselor started to sorting out my jumbled mind and here's what she said :

1. I'm obviously still having the f****** burnout

Even though I limit my work intake, working on Saturday and Sunday several times and the tight deadline makes me worse because I'm now exposed to severe stress for pretty long time.

2. My current state is not who I actually am. 

Humans usually have 3 sides of character, the real neutral one, the one which active for everyday life, and the one which active when having stress. Burnout and tight deadlines for over and over again makes my third sides in control all the time while the other two now watching in sidelines which makes me messy, easily irritated, and scared all the time. Because this 3rd me almost always interpreted any information received by my sensory in a weird messy ways. It also affect my auto fear response.

3. My current state makes me see everything as competition.

I didn't like competition but being raised as a first born with high expectation and now working with such competitive boss, my mind programmed for competition all the time while I didn't enjoy it and it makes me stressed and tense all the time. Every time I reminded that I'm losing or less than others makes myself feel horrible. And I need to stop that.

3. There's nothing wrong with judgement and criticism for my works but currently I take in in the wrong way

I take it as me personally who criticized, not my work and I should change that. Even if people say it to me in blunt or sharp way, what I need to see is the message itself and ignore the rest. I even take jokes and criticism.

4. I need to change my way of thinking about working for the sake of other people

Right now I work for the sake of deadlines, my colleagues, to compete others, and everything os driven by fear. So I really lost any enjoyment with my works and it makes my productivity falling out no matter how much time I've spent for work. I feel like in a never ending estafet marathon and I don't know when it will end...

5. I need to change my way of thinking about looking at everything in competitive manner

After I talk to my counselor I just realized I see everything as competition with others and it drains me out. Even small stuffs like cooking, helping someone, or looking at social media, I could see them as something competitive and it's just makes me more tensed and pressured. I need to change the way I see or doing things.

6. I really need to find something to do for relaxation and make it the high priority alongside with my work

This one is actually a bit tricky because it has to be something very different with my line of work and didn't remind me with anything competitive (and if possible, low cost, so it won't add as another stressor later on). I also shouldn't feel guilty to relax and slowdown.

Inktober makes me happy when I draw but the tension is still high since I still feel pressure for finishing the drawing and show it to others and it also makes my sleep pattern worse, so she didn't recommend it unless I can draw without tension or feel pressured. That's why I decided to slowdown with the Inktober.

This relaxation activity is a must and I have to really put it in my priority to do list. I'm still confused with what to do. I guess I need to google it a bit. I hope finishing my vacation plan, cleaning up my room, writing food blog, and eating nice stuffs can makes me relax without too much tension. The burnout need to be reduced first before so I can fix my way of thinking better.

7. I should never compared myself to anyone especially another stressed people.

It's a big no no to compare my stress with the employee who suicide because of her work or my colleague who also really stress and thinking about getting psychologist too but still arrived early and work until 8pm.

I should never amazed by them and it will only make me worse. If I have to compare than it should be with someone with similar background but not in troubled situation. But since I wouldn't even know much about that than I should really never compare to anyone.

But with the competitive nature programmed in my brain and body than this might be the difficult part.


I guess that sums up the counseling session. I don't know whether it's easy or difficult, and I'm still confused. But I feel better somehow because it's sorted out and I have a better understanding in which way I'm doing it wrong or not. I hope after the deadline and this project is over, this horrible feelings will also done...

Crying in the office again...

I cry at the office again, for another small matter. Some colleagues just mention their irritation with my singing habit when I listen to music while working. And suddenly it's burst again, all the stress, anxiety, and insecurity I've tried to manage. I couldn't hold my tears an cry for almost an hour. After tired I finally could work and try to smile. The I get back and I started to cry again.

I understand they're just joking. But somehow I can't control the anger and sadness. Perhaps some noticed I was crying but didn't dare to ask much. They might think I'm weird of a bad person to be oversensitive for such joke.

I also tired with work and revisions. It feels like nothing's gonna end. There's also something wrong and it's all my fault. And the feelings that makes me just want ti disappear is keep resurfacing. I try to remind myself that I still have a big vacation plan next year. I still have someone to care about me. I need to life.

Can I tell someone that I'm having burnout and anxiety? I'm so afraid people will just see me as weird and sick person.

Low Body Temperature

Ever since I had healed from my dengue fever + typhoid last year, I have persistent low body temperature. I never get more than 36.4 Celcius, mostly it's 35.6-36.1 Celcius.

Today after finishing my 2nd Inktober, I was feeling depressed and thinking weird things again. And those "I want to die" voices just keeps coming back. I wonder if I shouldn't do inktober after all. It feels nice and fun while I was drawing what I want but after that it's all anxiety for not drawing something nice enough or presentable enough.

After a while ruminating I feel hungry and have a little headache, so I decided to eat soto (Indonesian soup with chicken broth and turmeric). And since my head still heavy and the weather is pretty nice, I take 5-10 minutes strolling around.

I get back and still having hard times to focus on doing anything I planned for today. And the headache is still there so I'm taking temperature, worried that I might have unnoticed fever again. But what I get is actually 35.0 Celcius. I try my other armpit and I actually get 34.6 Celcius. So I turned off my air conditioner and from time to time I'm taking axillary temperature, so far it get's to 35.4 Celcius. At least it gradually risen up, I guess?

I wonder if this is something that need to be consulted to doctor or it's actually nothing much.

October Inktober

For the last two weeks I've been working 7 days a week. My work isn't finished yet. It might actually increased with all revisions and stuffs. But I decided to not work this weekend because I feel like I've reach the limit. My performance won't get any better if I keep working and my health is declining. I get anxious everytime I look into mirror and see my eye bag and fallen hair got worse. I've become more insomniac.

Thankfully I didn't cry this past two weeks. I don't meet my psychologist yet since they didn't contact me anymore after I asked the meeting to be delayed because of my work. I wonder what's wrong that makes them not contacting me anymore. I know I'm dealing with university service for this consultation so I don't put too much expectation. It's just since I've been there and they know my stories and the fee still affordable for me, so I feel reluctant to try other psychologist.

I still want to consult about how often lately I feel fear for nothing or just very small trigger. It's like my body turns to auto-anxious mode for small reasons and my brain don't even processing what the hell am I worried about.

October is coming and I decided to do Inktober this year. I want to draw whatever I want without having to care about what people will say or whatever mess I'll make. I want to draw to relax. The thought of people judging my works and the thought of how others do better than me still makes me scared. But let's just try something different this time.

Wake me up when September ends...

I wonder if the act for asking 2 weeks vacation is actually my desperate moment for my own survival. If I didn't buy the ticket will I have any reasons to retain my sanity?

September is the deadline for our office game project. The lead programmer already made his point he didn't fucking care whatever we have to do but everything need to be done by the end of September. While the amount of works is still piling up. I will work at weekend too until September ends. I'll try my best to leave before 8pm because if I get back after 8pm my anxiety and emotion went rampage. I could cry at night when I was to stressed and after it starts it's hard to control to make it stop. It's also makes me felt horrible in the morning as if all the sleep didn't heal my tired eyes.

The thought of working on weekends always makes me feel sick and the thought of wanting to die makes me feel more guilty and unworthy. Even if I work with overtimes including Saturday and Sunday, I don't know if I could make it. And if I don't make it, or if I deliver bad quality work, they'll blame me anyway. And thinking about that makes me feel that death might be easier. (of course rationally I know it's not easier but I can't control it)

I feel fake everyday going to the office or when I'm with somebody else and try to be cheerful and high spirited. While I can't even control my tear glands when I'm by myself. I don't know what should I do to address my problems to others, they might not give a fuck anyway. I will be just like I'm trying to invent reasons for hindering the project and makes everybody unhappy. I hate it if they'll think I'm weak and unworthy for feeling this tormented because of work. It feels like everybody will say "you feel like that just because of work? How will you be success or even survive with that kind of attitude? Look at others who work harder than you!" and I don't even know if I work hard enough or just being lazy or maybe nothing will ever be enough...

The only thing that gives me hope and makes me want to survive is just everything about my planned vacation to Japan. Otherwise, I just wish somebody to kill me already.

Now let's just get some sleep. I still need to go to office tomorrow...

I've bought it

I spend Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday drowned in anxiety. It concern me since I feel uncomfortable around chest and stomach area. I find my body responding as if I was in fear. But I can't find right reason or trigger for these fear. I feel fear but for nothing and I'm confused.

Any disturbance like sudden workload with tight deadlines made it worse. I almost get panic attack when suddenly my boss ask me to make fan and brochure, and  design for next week event. My work pace is in mess. They also ask me to buy some plastics for the event.

I feel worse and can't stand it anymore. I feel like I'm gonna die and have nothing more to look up in my life. I also contacted to make appointment to psychologist but they didn't reply yet so far.

In desperation I finally ask my bosses that I want 9 days off next April. I didn't even expect they will give it to me. They might be a bit annoyed by my request but I don't care anymore. What I want when I ask them is actually just the confirmation, whether I can have it or not. Yes or No, that's all I want.

In my surprise, they give in and allow me to have that 9 days off. I actually didn't prepare for that. But somehow I feel a bit better, now I have reason for not thinking about dying. I can't think about dying when going there now felt attainable while I don't have to worry if I need to get out from my office or not if I want to go there. My anxiety reduced a lot, replaced by another kind of anxiety but at least now I can feel hope. Something that a bit out of reach lately.

I told my brother about their approval and we buy the ticket today as if we buy it on impulse. Didn't even tell our parents yet about this. I really hope I can prepare this vacation as best as I can and everything will went well.

Now what's left that can make me panic next week is whether my boss happy with the printing for brochure (the result a bit too dark from what I had hoped), the fan printing progress (the most nerve wracking of all), and my overall workload.

I already download the newest Ace Attorney, I hope I can play it wisely.

Slow Motion

Saturday, My brother and I tried an American Style Brunch Restaurant at Kemang and we ate lots of Bacon. After that we went to business and franchise exhibition since my uncle suggest me to do so. Perhaps 50-60% of the exhibitor are in food industry. The Laundry sector is up for coin laundry style. I kinda interested with courier franchise business since it's not too expensive compared to others, but I don't have a place for the business.

There's also Kompas Travel fair so we went there too. Cheap ticket to Japan is really a big temptation for me. My brother's friends seems interested to go to Japan and my brother will go with them as well if they're decided to go. I feel devastated inside, but I know I can't go with him if I want my two weeks planned trip. If I go next year, I can't go there again the year after that since Mom will be against it and I will also have less budget for my plan. I just wish they won't go in Sakura seasons or Red Autumn or I will be died by jealousy...

Sunday, I feel time run so fast while here I am in slow motion. I was planning to make this day for learning. But then I woke up late, find myself unmotivated at everything except eating. I feel more and more losing control of my food intake. I try to play games but I find myself feeling guilty while playing. Should I permit myself for not doing anything? Should I force myself to work harder even when I feel nauseous when thinking about it? People around me work so hard for their life and passion. I wonder if I just using burnout as pretext for slacking off and doing nothing.

When will it not feel wrong?

I wonder how do people actually know when they should go to psychologist or there's still no need for that. As usual, I feel like I can't control my life and my schedule and frustrated on how I can't achieve what I want. I wake up late for the last 3 days. Didn't even bother to stay until 8pm in the office even though I was late. The thought of still in the office at 8pm and only able to reach my dorm at 9pm always terrifies me. And the list of task keep piling up after one of my colleagues resigned. But lately even though I know I want to cry or get angry, there's certain numbness inside me that I can't really explain properly. Everything feels wrong.

I feel torn between my understanding how I need to work harder and my other side who do anything for the sake of making me feel happier even if it's just fleeting. I respect my boss a lot and understand how he work so hard and how passionate he is. I feel ashamed I can't keep up with him. I feel ashamed for terrified with overtime. I feel insomniac in a way that I don't really enthusiast in finding myself wake up to brace the next day. But it's not like I'm having trouble to sleep. I can easily sleep for 6-8 hours (and I can't sleep less than 6 hours), it's just I feel reluctant to go to sleep unless my head and eyes are really tired.

Now it's 3am. I hope I won't be late today.

Cleaning Up The Room

After two months finally I can get my time to clean up my room. It took make all day and pretty refreshing activity. I also manage to watch drawing lesson video and prepping the assignment.

Still, I loss control with my food intake and manga reading. I stumbled on Dragon Pigmario and read it again from start to the latest chapter until around 4am. Today is Sunday and I woke up at 12pm thanks to that. I still need to catch up my freelance works and lesson. But I will just do as I planned with my schedule today one by one and see what's left for the next day.

Colleague resignation

One of my colleague said she will resign next week. Her assignments mostly are animations and I'm afraid it will be left for me after she left. The last 3 days I also always left office around 8 pm and my plan to study language and art is a bit ruined. Anxiety is creeping again within me.

I also refuse children book project with pretty big money (but 150pages of illustrations in 6months...) since I don't think I'm ready to handle that with my current office work condition. I'm relieved I refuse considering now my friend is resigning.

I'm still troubled to subside the anger within me today. Can I also resign mid-project. I really wish I can make to the end of this project. I decided to stay and postpone my vacation. But again, I'm not sure... I feel like I want to cry every time I think about how I want to go there.

My Bro's Birthday

Yesterday is my brother's birthday. It seems just like any other day with an exception that he treat us dinner at Seroeni. I guess we're too old for too much celebration.

I was having facial yesterday and ask for more debt for my face treatment. I hope I didn't make wrong decision for using this particular beauty care product. My friend's acne is much better with their treatment, which is why I decided to go there for chemical peeling and facial treatment.

Today I got back to my small rented room and the bathroom renovation is not done yet. I hate it how everything is dusty and messy. But tomorrow is another Monday. I hope I can get back to my usual routine as soon as possible.

PopCon Aftermath

To be honest, I didn't get any economic profit from this event. I might loss almost 2 million for producing stuffs to be sold. So I'm pretty depressed about that. But meeting lots of old friends and other artist and seeing how people appreciate my works makes me feel this event might not be so bad and I gain other things.

Perhaps because I was away from office that I feel like I forgot my burnout when attending the event. I feel like I can plan my days and work much better after this. My freelance job is done, the event is done, I can concentrate better with my office work, continue to learn language and drawing skills again.

The next Monday though, I was faced with bad news. Bathroom renovation in my boarding place is getting much worse while I'm having my period. I was really panicked with the situation. My room is full of dust and getting out from there is pretty messy. It's also stink since the pipe exposed in front of my room. I get my brother to quickly take me back to my parents place because I couldn't stand it.

Tuesday I'm having breakdown again at night for several mistakes I had made and make me furious at myself. My work is also a mess while my friends keep pressure me with the deadline and my boss also gave briefing with also hints of pressures. When I realized I didn't bring my laptop cable from my renovated place, I freak out and cry. How I feel useless and unworthy is creeping back as if all the happy times at PopCon is never happened. I even wondered if I didn't allowed to be better and be happy.

In the end I have to get back and get the cable so I can work at my parents house in Wednesday. It's holiday and I actually also want to continue my office work so I can catch the deadline. But I can't manage to do that. And even though this day is holiday, I just managed to work design freelance for my uncle's laundry shop. I feel unsatisfied and fear tomorrow will be hell...

I'm scared...

Beef beef beef~

Last week is pretty nice. I feel less stressed since I didn't join the cooking group. Most of my works went well and somehow my concentration to PopCon even though give me another stress source but divert me from my office work, makes me feel my burnout is a bit healed. The preparation went pretty well with several hiccups. Postcard and brochure is the only merchandise I didn't create yet, while stickers aren't ready. But time is ticking... 

Honestly I feel anxious that I'll meet other artist friends who seems fare better and more successful than me. I hate myself to feel that way. I wish I can be more determined and focus to improve myself. I hope this event will went well and give me better perspective and I can start with something I can create and get money from it.

From Friday to Sunday, I also get beef as dinner. I ate charcoal grilled beef yakiniku and hamburger at Tanpopo for Friday dinner. Their curry rice is delicious. The next day I ate lunch at Toridoll Gandaria City where I have some salmon skewers, another curry, and honey roasted sweet potatoes. Tanpopo's curry is better, but the food here is also great. For dinner, Mom want to eat Bakso Akiaw 99 and I feel so happy to be able to eat lots of tenderloin beef cooked for noodle soup. They're very delicious and satisfying.

At Sunday I actually want some sushi, Mom and Dad want to try Tanpopo after heard it from me so I ate there again. This time I order Shio Ramen, takoyaki, and another short rib yakiniku and burger. Usually Dad don't like ramen, but this time he likes it. I also ate some bonjour cake with my brother in the afternoon.

Tomorrow is monday, I need to get some sleep. I still have revisions for dress up projects. Hopefully I can finish it before PopCon.

Mixed Feelings...

Last Week is a bit weird. I almost having a late sleep everyday. I went to sleep around 2-4pm since PopCon is getting near, and woke up late every time I sleep after 3am. 2 times I woke at 11am and rush in panic to my work. My cranky level is also getting worse. I wonder if it's because I was getting late night sleep. It's easier for me to get upset, like last time when I feel blamed for something I didn't get notified.

This week I decided to not join my office cooking group since last Friday some of them hit me with a remark "I don't know that your eating portion is bigger than normal girl" and then I get another anxiety attack... That word made me feel guilty. Perhaps I'm taking more than I supposed to that other people didn't get enough for themselves because of me. Perhaps I'm a failure as a girl for eating too much. Do I have to be judged on how much food I take? I'm not even eat rice that time, but potato is also bad? Am I will never be accepted because I'm fat and I love to eat? Food is my source of comfort and if I'm not supposed to eat them then how can I be happy? It makes me feel guilty to eat at the office after that, especially when I'm eating carbs, I feel the anxiety is creeping to me.

I'm not mad at them, I'm fully understand that they didn't mean anything bad and my way of thinking perhaps is irrational. But I can't help to feel that way. And every time I help to cook I feel guilty for not being able to cut stuff fast or neat. I feel guilty if I'm helping too little but irritated if I help too much and other member gets the easy part. I feel guilty that they can't freely cook spicy food because of me.

I can't take it and cried after lunch that Friday. The office cat, Maru, seemed to notice I was feeling sad and try to comfort me. Usually he doesn't like if I pet him, but that time he lean on me on his own. Somehow his kindness just made me cry harder. :')

I thought I was getting better... am I wrong? I didn't even sleep that late unless I'm engrossed in a game or comics. And I didn't get irritated this easy before. I feel bad because I can't explain properly why I want to quit the cooking group. It seems bothersome to explain my thinking progress, I don't think they'll understand and I'll face another judgement if I told them. Whether I'm explaining or not, they'll still think I'm just unsatisfied with them anyways...

Although it's quite rough, but last week I manage to meet friends from 3 different circle and I feel happy I can talk some of my problems to them. One of them understand my burnout and didn't belittle me even though I know she's having worse challenge than me. And I'm grateful everybody just want the best for me.

Pop Con is coming near

This week is... pretty well I guess. But with 2 cranky days for pretty same reasons. 2 people asked me to know and understand something that they didn't tell me clearly and get mad at me for not knowing. How I supposed to know what they need if they didn't tell me? Is it my fault again? Should I be more observant and understanding everything surround me without being pointed out about it? Am I lack ability in that? (and so on...)

But Pop Con is coming near and I'll be there as exhibitor while there's so many things I still need to prepare. My anxiety meter is full for this one whether it'll going to be great, full of opportunities. I really hope everything will be going well and at least I get the cost paid back. I really hope people will love my products. It will be really nice if I could gain more confidence from this event. I'm so scared and I really don't need too add more stress source.

For now, I really need to focus on finishing my freelance project and get ready for the event.

The Darkest Feelings

The pattern so far :

Jealous at others achievement -> feel guilty for being jealous and petty -> feel unworthy for achieving so little -> depressed and want to just disappear from the world

Working -> feel my work will never good enough -> being distracted / or not but still achieve less than daily target -> feel numb -> realize my schedule messed up because of it -> realize there are still long long task list -> feel guilty and anxious -> depressed and want to just disappear from the world

Working -> feel my work will never good enough -> unconsciously comparing how others doing better than me -> thinking my boss / client will never accept my work and how they'll be disappointed at me -> It might be easier if they just kill me already...

Feel tired -> realized achieving so little today -> feel guilty and unworthy for being tired while not doing that much -> depressed and want to just disappear from the world

Exhausted with the amount of effort I need to make for having social life and networking -> feel I will never good enough -> I might better to just disappear from the world and don't have to bother other people

Having fun -> Feel guilty for having fun -> frustrated, what the hell is wrong with me -> anxiety strikes back

Want to talk about my problem to other -> I don't want to make their mood sour because of me -> nobody want to hear depressing stories -> nobody will understand -> they'll blame and judge me to be such of a person -> feel like a failure -> depressed and want to just disappear from the world

Thinking about big decisions -> anxious with my future life -> fear that everything will be doomed -> depressed again~

Thinking about why do I have to feel all stuffs I mentioned before -> Feel like I'm a failure as a human -> depressed and want to just disappear from the world -> fear the stress will make my brain shrink -> depressed again...


There might be more that will be added to the list

Racism Everywhere

in other countries
in my countries
in other city
in my city
in my big family
in my home
it might also be in me...

I hate it.
But I feel hopeless when I see my surroundings.
Why can't we just accept and respect each other without judging only from the pigment of our skins?
Why can't we just live in peace?

The Money Problem

After one week long holiday I feel a bit slow to catch up. I try to not force myself in the office and focus to finish a freelance project, brochure alternatives for my uncle's laundry shop. I managed to focus on my night shift work until Wednesday. I feel weird though, like numb. I can't even genuinely happy when I found out my illustration became the cover for my newest published children books. Seeing others achievement also makes me bitter and jealous inside.

Finally I'm having a breakdown in Thursday. Maybe because I'm also having my period gain. And some office work need to be redone, and I don't have any idea for the 5th brochure. Those feelings that makes me worthless and anxious that actually creeping since Monday finally get it's attention again. I feel like I want to die and cry on Thursday night. I feel tired from my work and felt guilty for being tired. I felt like I don't have the right to be tired since my work accomplishment (especially in office) is slow. I guess I need to get ready to be yelled next week...

I woke up exhausted in Friday morning, trying so hard to keep focus. The list for my office work is still quite long, I hope I can really manage to finish the stage next Tuesday and move on with refining assets. Attack in Nice, France, really just adding more piles to my global paranoia. My brother also having a not really good day. He's not feeling well and his plan was ruined all day. I actually want to eat Japanese food with him, but his day was pretty messed up already so I ask him to eat his favorite tenderloin steak.

Lately I also feel troubled since I always low on money even though it's still half of the month. I can't even manage my daily necessity without get in debts. I guess it's because I have accident with my teeth 2-3 months ago and the cost is pretty big and I still have to pay the debt for that. But it still stress me out since I also need money for skin care, hair care, eye doctor, and psychologist. But I don't have it. My projects are also still on progress so it's hard to collect the money from there. I really need to finish them as soon as possible. I also need to prepare for new laptop and eyeglasses and it do cost a lot...

I woke up with Turkey's coup news from Twitter feed, another stack for my global paranoia... But today went well somehow, and I feel grateful for that. My uncle likes my design alternatives for his brochure. Now I can focus to finish another freelance for children book.

I also manage to tidy up my clothes drawer, sold some old comics and sent them, paying some debt to my brother (and leave myself with pretty little money...), tidy up my children books collection, and read some comics before I finally get back to my place.

I really want to play some games. But the list for Sunday work is also pretty long. God please give me strength...

Nice Clean Room

Today is pretty nice. I wake up earlier than my plan (after oversleep for several days before). I devoted today for cleaning my room since I didn't have chance to clean it for months.

I'm still able to have 15 minutes exercise. Although it's not enough actually, considering I'm having 6 slices of pizza, tandori chicken briyani rice and salad for today's meal. I also managed to take a bath before 10pm this time.

The hardest part of my freelance projects also done. It's not finished yet, but I hope I can get it done next week.

I'm having some anxiety today too. It's about my boss showing some colleagues who came to office for workout exercise with my boss. Irrationally, I feel compared (and I hate it). But I understand that it wasn't rational so I can reason and calm myself.

But tonight is annoying since someone singing loudly outside. His voice is making me having headache...

Dilema

Today my brother called me and say there's cheap ticket slots to Japan and ask me if I'm ready for next year. This is too soon for my heart... Considering I plan for 2 weeks vacation but my company surely won't grant me more than 5 days off. And currently I also plan for resignation. The catch is, I'm still in the middle of a game project.

So here's my choice about resignation :


1. Resign (possibly) before the project done in the next February
Which I don't stay until the end of the project

+ I can go for 2 weeks vacation
+ I can focus on my bigger longer term goal quicker than the 2nd option
+ I can focus to improve my skill and look for another opportunities

- I'll be struggle financially
- I'll feel guilty for not finishing the project
- I don't know what to say to my boss for the resignation reasons, it will be unacceptable if it's nothing really urgent/important and I don't want to give too many lies
- Inconvenience to my colleagues for leaving halfway since I'm not sure in what state of the project I'll be leaving


2. Resign after the project done which I don't know when
But I stay until the project really ended

+ Finally after a long time, I finish something big even if I'm just a part of it
+ The resignation will be much smoother
+ Financially more stable, I can save and prep more before being unemployed

- I really don't know when it will be, it could take much much longer
- Possibility that everything could turn worse with our teamwork and my burnout
- The vacation need to wait another year, but if the global situation get worse I don't know if I'm still able to go there (it might be irrational, but I feel like 2017 is my last chance to go to Japan)

= opt for having only 9 days vacation (5-6 days off), but even 2 weeks is actually not enough for everything I want to do there.
= Tell honestly I want 2 weeks vacation and 9 days off with the risk of getting rejected and sarcasm for the rest of the year.

Rationally, I'll go with option 2. But the irrational fear of how the world will be considering current situation, I don't want to miss my available chances of seeing Sakura flowers.

my global irrational fear : (US presidential election, Dallas Shooting, Brexit, Japan wants to have it's military back, Japan-China-2Koreas awkward relationship, China's movement around ASEAN territory, raise of bigotry and racism all over the world, ISIS and Middle East conflicts, etc)
I do feel hopeless with the future...

I'll look at the situation until August or September before I reach my decision.

My worries about the global world

When I'm writing this one (late June 2016), UK vote to leave European Union, Trump gaining more popularity in USA, and Yen rose thanks to the uncertainty from the west. China actively roaming around South China Sea and making almost all ASEAN nation anxious. North Korea being North Korea.

So being a type of person who always worried about the worst, here's the list of what I'm anxious about :

- Bigotry and xenophobia arise around the world

- European Union Crumble

- 2nd civil war in USA

- WorldWar3 or ColdWar2

- The Last Pope prophecy

- Economic Crisis around the world


I'm worried my next year vacation plan to Japan will be ruined. Maybe next year is the last chance I can go somewhere far for vacation. Or maybe that's the least I'll be worrying about.

After Consultation

The consultation actually went much better than I expected. I can release many stuffs I feel anxious about honestly and the psychologist give me some insight for me to think about my burden source. She also say I have another problem that impact a lot to my low self confidence but that burnout needs to be tackled first since it makes everything a lot worse.

So here's some conclusion from my session :

Not Depression
According to her, I do have anxiety and obvious burnout, but not depression. I still able to maintain my food intake and healthy sleeping hours (although in my case, my must have 7 hours sleeping is an automatic body condition, which is why I envy other people who can sleep less). Well, that's a relief. :)

I need to reduce my working time
I scheduled all my time for work from Monday to Sunday which is actually harm my productivity. As I'm being stressed constantly, there's inner part of me who fell sick and scared on how my work will be judged by others. So unconsciously I'm trying so hard to do something else aside work, resulting to my poor concentration and poor performance.

Manage time for fun, learning, friends, family, anything that didn't related with work
So I need to consciously cutting some of the burden and consciously make time for entirely having fun or learning something else. I'm still troubled to having fun without feeling guilty. Even though there's part of me who relieved to have justification for reducing my work, the guilt for being relieved about it also exist. There's also problems with deadlines and so on... Every time I think about this, I feel like it might be easier if the angry client killed me instead.

Let out
Which is why I'm writing in these no viewer blog. I need a someone or space to let out whatever the form. She ask me to continuing this habit. Thought honestly I tend to ruminate more after writing off my mind. :/

My working style is actually a bit clashed with my company's work habit
After hearing my stories, she said I'm actually a scheduled person who likes routine but my boss habit is actually flexible and contrasting mine. Which is why I easily feel stress with his way of work and pressure.

Don't feel guilty for wanting work life balance
I do feel guilty about it since I feel that my boss pressured me (all of us in the company) to devoted our all for working, for the company, and still we have to be able to improve skills. I feel like a failure if I can't manage to work harder.

Don't compare yourself to others
Everybody is different so just focus on what's best for me. But it's not easy for me with all the guilt...

Focus on your bigger long term goal
Since this one supposed to be my life fulfilling goal, I need to start focusing to this one. But for the short term, cut or finish everything that bugging me currently so I can move to this one.

Exercise
It's not from the psychologist, but I do feel the need of having routine exercise even though it's not my favorite activity. She also suggest me to take Vitamin B complex when the work pressure is hard and I have no time to exercise.


It's not going the be easy and the next 2-3 months will be rough. But there will be 1 week vacation for big holiday early next month so I hope I could manage to finish my freelance work, clean up my room, have 1-2 days for playing games, spa, or shopping, and correcting my habit.

Meet the Psychologist tomorrow

I'm having an appointment to meet my psychologist tomorrow, and now I'm drowned in my anxious negative thoughts. I don't know if it'll be a good decision. I'm really scared to be stigmatized.

I really want to tell honestly how I feel to people who're closed to me. I want to be accepted, supported, and understood in objective way. But I can't. I feel like they won't understand. not my family, not my friends, not my boss or coworkers. They'll think I'm just weak and a failure for not being able to overcome this. Even if they didn't think that way, I don't want to burden them with my problem and make them confused on how to help me. Such wish is a luxury.

When I was having typhoid and dengue fever, my parents subtly blamed me for not being able to handle stress and thus I got sick. My Mom also ask me to not make too much big deal when I was having 38 degree Celsius fever, coughing, and having chills for almost a week. How can I ask them to understand if I said I'm having mental problem... I know perfectly well that they love me, but understand my condition will be different matter.

Blaming the Coffee, and finally try to reach Psychologist

This week is really bad, as if a better weeks before went for nothing. After my cousin wedding and my brother's question for my future decision, I get anxious again. This time I'm having my period, heavier than usual. For Monday and Tuesday, my mood is really in chaos. I manage to keep the target for my office work but with the price of overtime, and my freelance work neglected. The stress meter is up and I feel like I can't forgive myself for not being able to handle my target well.

I decided to take one day for sick leave on Wednesday in order to keep up with my freelance deadline. I still can't get the target I want, but I thought I can relax my mental pressure a bit since I might not have any chance with deadlines approaching. I also didn't give much thought about diet and my meal exceeding 1500 kcal. But I decided to take 30 minutes aerobic exercise.

I made a mistake in Thursday by drinking coffee in the office. It gave me an awesome anxious day, and I didn't even get my work target cleared. I get another guilt and anxiety attack in my mind which keep repeating 'just die already oh you worthless one' even thought I knew clearly I won't go to suicide path. It's just to messy and I can't allow my family suffer because of me, nor my name will be mentioned in some low rated newspaper with depraving and shaming title on it. I felt like just want to cry or smacked some children who played with loud firecrackers at 1 AM.

Of course I didn't blame the coffee until evening, but I remember almost all mental breakdown I was having before was correlated with coffee. I'm fine with tea somehow, I don't know what's the difference. Maybe it's not because coffee after all? My mind even fought between choosing to buy ice cream or kiwi slices. I choose to buy kiwi in the end.

On Thursday night I finally try to reach psychologist in my University alumni. It's near where I live and also near my office, so I can go there without notifying my family. I don't want their concern in my mental state. I believe they love me dearly, but they won't take this problem of mine seriously. I'm still feel ashamed for contacting psychologist though... I feel like I'm making a big deal of something when people I knew face harsher difficulties in their life but can still fight on strongly. I'm not even sure if this is really a depression, but I hope they can shed some lights for me.

I don't know if they'll help but I feel like I need to do anything I can try to get rid of these miserable feelings. I'm also try to think anything that maybe the cause of my depression. Maybe it's not just burnout, maybe it's because toxoplasmosis? I'm still thinking whether I should get my blood check for this or not. But visiting psychologist already costing my money. I need to save that for later.

Friday, my mood is much much better. Maybe it's really the coffee fault. But I didn't have the mood to clear the target, reach my goal, or anything. But Friday is always the most pressured day for me since we'll always be asked about or weekly performance, next week goal, and being reminded of how little time we have until the deadline.I feel like a failure for always have this faltering mind when my coworkers also having the same or harder pressure in this project. I'm trying so hard to not keep them down but I still makes mistakes and the revision work piles.

The next Saturday and Sunday, I really need to give my all for my freelance work. I hope the mood will be better and I can keep focus on the work.

3rd week report

Minggu ini berjalan dengan baik. Gw merasa paling produktif di hari senin dan paling bermasalah di hari Kamis, tapi kerjaan relatif lancar. Gw senang tapi tetap saja ngga bisa mengusir rasa cemas. Terutama karena sisa saldo sudah ngga memungkinkan sampai akhir bulan karena kemarin ada bayar hutang. Kalau misalnya minum antidepresan apa bisa menghilangkan rasa cemas gw yang auto-generated? Minggu ini gw juga entah kenapa ngidam HokBen.

Bokap sempet bikin gw kelabakan karena dia tertarik beli apartemen di PIK2 dan gw sama sekali nga yakin kita mampu nyicilnya. Gw pengen sebenernya, cuma ya duid dari mana... ;_; Tapi untungnya dia pikir-pikir lagi dan ngga jadi.

Sabtu ada tugas jadi pagarayu kondangan saudara, gw sedikit cemas karena setiap ngumpul sama keluarga selalu saja ada hal-hal yang mudah bikin gw self blaming meski untuk kesalahan kecil. Tapi gw senang karena hasil make up dan tata rambutnya bagus (dan nga dipaksa pake bulu mata palsu).

Hari Minggu ade gw kembali ngobrolin soal gimana kerjaan kantor dan keputusan gw untuk tahun depan. Jujur, ini yang paling bikin gw gusar minggu ini. Gw masih sangat takut bagaimana kalau gw melakukan kesalahan atau ternyata gw ngga sanggup ngejalaninnya. Entah ke mana gw yang dulu bisa berani mutusin untuk ngekos dan belajar nga tergantung sama orangtua dan sanggup makan nasi bungkus seharga 5000 untuk dicicil makan seharian.

So far ini keputusan dari pikiran rasional gw :
1. Tetap fokus dan kasih performance terbaik selama di kantor
2. Lihat bagaimana perkembangan kondisi sampai bulan Agustus
3. Segera selesaikan kerjaan freelance
4. Jangan terima apapun lagi. Fokus untuk belajar dan rintis personal project
5. Penentuannya nanti di PopCon. If it's succeed, move on.

(Dicatat disini sebagai pengingat kalau nanti galau lagi)
I'm still struggle with my anxiety while writing these.

Yang disyukuri minggu ini :
1. The make up is good and I can feel beautiful
2. Angpao hasil jadi pager ayu, nga banyak tapi masih ada sedikit harapan untuk bertahan sampai akhir bulan.
3. Dimasakin nasi goreng kuning

2nd week report

Senin berjalan baik dan lancar. Semua jadwal kerjaan terpenuhi. Pulang masih sempat olahraga sedikit.

Selasa mulai keteteran karena ada progress kerja yang ternyata butuh waktu lumayan. Pulang jam 10 malam.

Rabu agak sebal karena Selasa nga berjalan lancar dan schedule jadi mundur. Masih sempat ngejar freelance meski belum mencapai target.

Kamis mati lampu di kantor. Sudah pasrah sama kerjaan. Pulang jam 8 sore dan kerjaan kembali mundur karena harus revisi kerjaan hari Senin.

Jumat sudah gajian jadi bisa beli bacang Medan produksi rumahan punya temen. Bacangnya enak. Secara produktivitas, paling buruk dalam seminggu. Hitung-hitung catatan keuangan bulan Mei. Tingkat stress berbanding lurus dengan tingkat pengeluaran. :/ Hari ini juga sempat olahraga.

Sabtu fitting baju karena minggu depan bantu kondangan saudara. Lalu makan di Portico, seneng karena makanannya enak. Kembali ngga sempet beresin kamar. Apa sabar-sabarin aja sampe akhir bulan ini ya...

Overall gw kurang gembira dengan produktifitas kerja gw minggu ini. Dan yang paling mudah bikin mundung ya kalo kerja ngga maksimal dan jadwal berantakan. Gw coba nyenengin diri sama makan-makan impulsif, tapi boros di awal bulan kayaknya bakal bikin susah secara finansial bulan ini.

Yang disyukuri minggu ini :
- mood rasanya overall mendingan
- bacang medan, smoked salmon salad, muesli, llao llao
- sempet maen boardgame bareng temen kantor waktu mati lampu

1st week report

Senin berjalan dengan baik dan mood lumayan stabil. Coba Aerobik 15 menit sepulang kantor. Tapi dah nga kerja apa-apa lagi sehabis itu.

Selasa dibuat sedikit kesal karena tugas dari bos yang diminta dibuat di luar jam kerja. Harusnya nga wajib, tapi kalau target desain nga kekumpul pasti si bos tetap kesal. Mundung lagi malam-malam.

Rabu lumayan normal, mulai menyadari depresi gw kayaknya akibat burnout berkepanjangan. Ngerjain desain yang diminta hari Selasa sehingga kerjaan freelance keteteran.

Kamis awalnya normal sampai kemudian kembali dipressure bos 2 di sore hari. Anxiety mengganggu di malam hari. Agak sakit kepala, rasanya kayak otak ke pressure. Mungkin masuk angin.

Jumat berhasil bangun jam 7 pagi sehingga sempat sedikit lanjutin kerjaan freelance sebelum ke kantor. Tapi pas nyampe langsung ketemu keyboard dipipisin kucing. Mood langsung buyar, masih rada sakit kepala ringan, kerja kurang produktif. Sore dibikin sedikit kesal sama co-worker tapi untungnya masalah nga berlanjut. I'm a bit bitchy in the office, though. Others might see me a bit irritating. Pulangnya masih kesal dan pengen makan sushi mahal, tapi akhirnya memutuskan untuk menahan diri. Untungnya di rumah ada nasi tim pasar pagi, alpukat, kelapa, dan jus tomat. Langsung makan dengan lahap.

Sabtu sedikit curhat sama paman waktu meeting kerjaan. Dapet insight yang lebih objektif. Sorenya ke BSD sama bokap dan ade untuk ngurus cicilan apartemen. Mampir ke Aeon untuk beli sushi dan roti. Mood waktu bareng keluarga sangat bagus. Balik ke kosan kembali rada mundung. Coba Aerobik 20 menit di malam hari. Lanjut meditasi. Ngga kerja sama sekali.

Memutuskan mundurin bersih-bersih kamar seminggu lagi demi mengejar kerjaan. Semoga hari minggu bisa bener-bener dimanfaatkan secara produktif.

Things I'm grateful in this week :
- mulai olahraga, semoga minggu depan bisa ditingkatkan intensitasnya
- makan nasi tim pasar pagi dan sushi di Aeon.
- dapet masukan dari Paman
- nambah beberapa desain pribadi untuk bisa coba dibikin produk

Aware of my own depression

Belakangan gw lagi depresi karena stress berkepanjangan dengan kerjaan yang jadi lingkaran setan berpengaruh ke menurunnya produktivitas kerja gw dan bikin gw makin stress. Everything is out of control dan gw cuma bisa nyalahin diri sendiri. Setelah sekian lama gw coba tahan tapi semuanya makin kacau dan gw merasa ada yang sangat-sangat salah.

Sampai akhirnya gw menyadari kalau suara hati gw belakangan ini selalu negatif, self criticism, self bully. Gw merasa seolah gw mahluk paling menyedihkan lepas dari pikiran rasional yang sadar kalau hidup gw nga sedih-sedih amat. Gw merasa ngga berguna dan cuma bisa nyusahin orang lain. Merasa gagal dan ngecewain orang-orang di sekitar gw. Yes, I admit I'm having a depression. Setelah gw sadar gimana nga produktifnya gw memperlakukan diri sendiri, gw tahu gw butuh bantuan. Tapi ngga ngga tau minta bantuan siapa, nga tahu gimana caranya minta tolong.

Gw takut orang judge gw lemah karena ngga bisa menghadapi stress, dan rasanya situasi gw bukan sesuatu yang harusnya nga bikin depresi mental bagi orang lain. Bagaimana kalau reaksi mereka bikin gw makin down. Dan gw sangat nga yakin keluarga atau atasan gw mau paham tanpa menilai gw sebagai orang gagal atau lemah. Gw consider ke psikolog/psikiater/minum anti depresan, tapi itupun takutnya nga ngefek atau bikin situasi makin buruk. Dan minta bantuan medis pun butuh duid, serta belum meyakinkan apakah dunia medis kejiwaan di Indonesia bisa diharapkan.

Tapi gw tetep bersyukur gw aware sama apa yang terjadi pada diri gw dan mau menerima itu. Jujur buat gw semua ini menakutkan. Ngomong sama temen deket maupun nulis blog ini pun menakutkan. 2 hari ini gw nangis terus karena menerima dan mengkontemplasi diri gw yang lagi lemah-lemahnya. Setiap gw mau coba ngomong sama orang gw butuh waktu untuk nangis dan menggigil ketakutan.

Gw sedang mencoba untuk nga bersikap kejam sama diri gw sendiri. Mungkin ada sisi diri gw yang merasa akhirnya dia diterima oleh dirinya sendiri sehingga menangis terus-terusan. Sehari-hari kalau di luaran (setidaknya untuk gw sendiri) rasanya meski gw merasa ada sesuatu yang bener-bener salah, gw masih bisa berfungsi cukup normal. Jadi gw bersyukur gw masih bisa aware dan menerima semua ini sebelum semuanya makin berantakan.

Gw masih tetep bingung dan akan terus belajar gimana terus memperlakukan diri gw sendiri. Mungkin bakal terus begitu sampai gw mati. Gw ingin bisa menjadi lebih baik, memperbaiki diri, tanpa harus bersikap kejam sama diri sendiri. Ceritanya gw latihan self compassion, and I'm really new about this.

More about self compassion :
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion
http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

And finally gw teringat gw punya blog ini. It reminds me that my life is not all down, but I still accept that I can get down sometimes. And this blog will be my reservoir. Dengan memperbaiki gimana gw melihat dan memperlakukan diri sendiri, semoga gw juga bisa lebih baik dalam melihat apa yang terjadi di sekitar gw dan menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Please wish me luck.